


We've got Tonight

by Yellow_Beacon



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: ANY RE-PUBLICATION FOR PROFIT/MONETIZED SITES/APPS IS NOT AUTHORIZED OR SUPPORTED BY ME, Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Anal Sex, Angst and Humor, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, But only because they're a bunch of collage kids, Choking, Cunnilingus, Double Penetration, Eventual Happy Ending, Everything is Beautiful and Everything Hurts, Except for Jeongin since he's still underage lmao, F/M, Felix is an unintentional homewrecker, Heartbreak, Heavy Drinking, Mutual Pining, Teasing, Threesome, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, cheating?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-21
Updated: 2020-01-05
Packaged: 2021-02-18 14:35:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 43,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21878920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yellow_Beacon/pseuds/Yellow_Beacon
Summary: I'd known Felix since before he was born. My tiny preschool hand would often press flat against his mother’s round belly. Looked up at her with surprised innocent eyes as the baby inside kicked against the palm of my hand at the same moment as the church bells rang to collect everyone for the sermon. Known him as a brother, a best friend and a rock to lean against in my whole life.But now, in just a month, he'd be going away to train with some of the best in the industry. To work up a name for himself with his talents in dancing and creating choreography and something shifted between us when we realised that time was running out.  Perhaps there is more than just platonic feelings between us... something that would bring up more pain, jealousy and sorrow than we could ever imagine.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Reader, Han Jisung/Lee Minho if you look through a magnifying glass, Lee Felix/Reader, Lee Felix/Reader/Bang Chan
Comments: 22
Kudos: 76





	1. The sweetest smile

**Author's Note:**

> Hello my darlings, I'm back! So... I fell into the dark void that is Stray Kids and almost immidiatly felt the need to write, and here it is! I really hope you'll like it ♥ Please do share your thoughts and since the holidays are upon us- happy holidays! I hope you'll have a lovely time ♥ Like usually, if you're new, I can't bring myself to write in "you" form, simply because it's not my style. The person in this one is an average woman in her lower twenties without a name. English is not my first language so I do apologize if there's spelling mistakes and grammarly incorrect sentences.  
> Final update and polishing on 08/01.
> 
> Title comes from Kenny Rogers & Sheena Easton - We've Got Tonight

“Felix Lee. Dancer. Rapper. Singer. Owner of the sweetest smile in the entire world. Owner of the deepest voice in the entire world. Owner of-”  
I doubled over and burst out in laughter. The A5 paper was crinkled up after being folded too many times and the look on Felix face when he started to read from it was just priceless.  
“What’s this? You told me you were going to help me with my resumé”   
The thick Aussie accent rolled off his tongue like smoke after you’ve put out a candle and I smiled softly while exhaling a slight snort through my nose in the chilly late September wind. It had been raining all day and the humidity that had hung low turned the air around us cold the minute the sun disappeared. It was close to 10:30 pm and the moon was up, joined by the stars that twinkled in the navy-blue sky. We were outside, sitting on a picnic table at an empty gas station, halfway between my day job and his campus.   
Best friends for eight years. Known each other for another eleven and now here we sat, with my scribbled notes on a paper I ripped out from a notebook that I’d found in a shoebox in the furthest part of my closet. The notebook was old, and the paper that now threatened to be folded up for probably the 8th time had a coffee spot on it, but Felix didn’t seem to notice. He just looked so incredibly done that I stifled another giggle behind my hand. He tried; he really did but the smile he constantly wanted to chase away still tugged on his lips when I playfully hit his arm.  
“Continue” I urged on and hid the grin on my mouth behind a sweater paw when Felix eyes traced the next sentence and read it silently before he looked up and met my eyes again, lips pressed into a thin line.  
“Owner of the best Aussie accent ever. Best friend ever. A baby” Gave me a look from underneath furrowed brows, added, “I’m not a baby” and though the dark, deep voice of his… and the sharp jawline… and his lean body, oh and those eyes that made everyone turn their heads to look after him when we walked down a street- was a sign that maybe it wasn’t as true as I tried to make it, it was still a nickname that I didn’t want to let go off.   
He’d always had that aura of innocence about him, one that I saw less and less these days though- whenever he broke out in a smile that crinkled his eyes, showing off a row of pearly white rounded teeth, nose scrunching and cheeks puffing up. In those moments- he was still the cute boy I grew up.  
But now, when he stood there in front of me, paper dangling between his fingertips in one hand, an off-brand soda in the other, lilac hair poking out from underneath a cap and a body that was more of an adults than the younger boy I painted him out to be- he was just that; an adult. It didn't stop me from teasing him though and I sighed with a small smile on my lips, took a small sip from my own soda before I placed it on the picnic table I was leaning against, reached out, and placed both my hands on each side of his cheeks, puffed them up and said in my cutest voice.  
“Oh, but you are” I nodded and gave him a small smile while he rolled his eyes, ”You’re the cutest baby ever”  
He frowned. Knew that I was playing with him and huffed, even though the expression was more of fake annoyance than actual irritation. Watched me like he dared me to let him go, but I stood my ground and he didn’t try to escape the place between my open hands. He was taller than me, if only a few centimetres and constantly tried to use that against me but it didn’t stop the teasing or the way I played with the fact that he could grow until he was as tall as a giant and I would still be older.  
“I’m not a child anymore noona. I'll travel abroad soon” He muttered, and something shifted behind his eyes as the fake annoyance turned into a real frown.  
I let him go, frowning myself when I was reminded of the fact that we’d be separated soon.   
In just a month he'd be going away, my best friend, who I’d never spend more than two miles away from, would travel across the world to pursue his dream. To train with some of the best for a whole six months. He was a professional, in more fields than one and I would be left were I was, in the town we grew from kids to adults in, surrounded by coffee beans and the heavy smell of sweets and pastries.  
“I’ll be ok” He said, as if he read my thoughts, like countless other times. I must’ve frowned harder than I thought as I got lost in my pondering. He met my eyes and damn… I was going to miss those eyes, and that cute little smile, “I’ll be ok” He reassured again, folded and placed the paper in the pocket of his hoodie. Reached out and the hand that suddenly held mine was warm, despite the cold wind biting through our way too light clothes.  
“I know” I answered shortly, and he squeezed my hand in response.   
The smile on his lips as warm as his hand. Eyes turning into small crescents and I couldn’t help but smile back.  
“Besides you'll have Chris to keep you company until I get back, right?” He said and I rolled my eyes.  
Chris was my boyfriend since a few years back. We’d met through Felix when I came with him to one of his practises with the group he danced with and sort of clicked from the get-go. Bonded with our passion for writing, expression and need for adventure, the thrill of life and what it could offer.   
I loved him.   
I really did.   
Even though Felix insisted later on that I only fell for him because Chris was a more polished and older version of himself. With the same passion for music, art and expression. Not to mention that same deep Aussie accent, and I had insisted that it wasn’t the case at all because I _did not_ even wanted to _ever_ imagine Felix being my boyfriend- because I’d known him for his entire life.   
Known him even before he was born, with my tiny preschool hand pressed flat against his mother’s round belly. Looking up at her with surprised innocent eyes as the baby inside kicked against my hand at the same moment as the church bells rang to collect everyone for the sermon.   
Our parents were friends since long, long before they had children. Going to the same high school when they were young and then the same church when they moved into the same neighbourhood. Inviting each other to celebrate the holidays and I couldn’t remember a Saturday where we didn’t eat dinner together, at my family home one week and his the next, rolling on a schedule that continued for years.   
I was the oldest of our siblings and though I was best friends with his older sister for the most parts of our childhood, I’d never denied him if he wanted to play with us. When he was rounding the age of nine, I often babysat him and his little sister and during the following years, even though almost half a decade separated us in age, I started to hang out with him more and more. His sister unfortunately decided to hang out with the wrong people and even though time has healed the wounds we inflicted upon each other back then since we’ve both become adults, I still prefer the company of her little brother nowadays.   
It was easy to understand why we had such a deep and profound bound. It had always been the two of us.  
We both moved from our hometown at a young age. Going away because there was a better school in a few towns over. Our parents gave me the responsibility after they found us a place to stay, planted just a few hundred meters from the Catholic school they had chosen and then trusted me to make that two-bedroom apartment a home. I was eighteen, doing my last year in high school, and Felix was just thirteen, doing his last in middle school. It was tough, living two teens under one roof and we fought about anything and everything, from dishes to who was going to take out the garbage. I was forced to grow up faster, taking care of both myself, my homework, the place we lived in and making sure that we had dinner every day. That Felix was picked up after school, that he did his homework as well…   
Our parents send us money for a monthly rent, bills that were connected to the apartment (water, electricity etc) food and a small allowance for us to spend on whatever we wanted, and it worked out… for a few months at least. I grew tired though when the water bills got too high because well, we were both teens and taking long showers was the only place where we were alone, and Felix was a bratty kid that demanded candy and games and “new cool stuff” because “all his other friends had that”   
I got a job at a local café, a small cute hole-in-the-wall place with an owner that always had a smile on her lips, syrup on her forearms and coffee beans in the arms of her shirt. The years passed, I graduated high school, decided that I wanted to focus on work, met Chris, Felix started high school, graduated three years later on top of his class and my parents were crying with joy when they called me after he’d told his parents. Sent me virtual pats on the back for doing such a good job raising him because apparently taking a train to us to congratulate me, us, in person was too much of a fuss. He was going to university after summer and the talk when he, with a deep sigh, apologized because he wanted to get his own place, a room on campus, because it was closer (but probably also because he, secretly, was starting to get ashamed that we (me at age 22 and he at age 17) still lived together and were neither siblings or a couple. I’d only laughed at his worried expression and told him about the plans that Chris and I had of moving together.  
And the rest is history, basically. We grew up together, spend basically every waking moment with each other and I watched as a small uncertain boy grew up to be the young adult who currently held onto my hand. I didn’t regret it for a second though, even if there were times when I was so angry with him that I just wanted to leave him all alone in that apartment. It certainly had made dating a living nightmare, and having a girls night with my friend without him ogling at them with big nervous eyes, and when he started to reach his late teens and I didn’t know if the sobs behind the closed door to his bedroom was because he needed to be comforted or because he was jerking off.   
Yeah… thank goodness that time was over.   
I couldn’t stop hanging out with him though even after we decided to go our separate ways.  
I still needed him. In a way that according to any psychologist ever probably wasn’t healthy at all. Like a drug that constantly had to be delivered to my system.  
Just a small refill was needed, of his laugh, or his smile, or his humour, or that boyish nature, or the fact that anything he touched seemed to turn into gold the older he got- from the way he seemingly learned to dance over a night, to the way the music came to him just as naturally and I hated to admit that I felt left behind for the first time in our life when he moved away from me. I had poured so much into making his life as good as I could, to mould him into someone I knew his parents could be proud of that it felt empty when he waved goodbye to me, standing with his box of things and a big bag of clothes outside his dormitory.   
It was like he didn’t need me anymore. Like the years I’d spent taking care of him was coming to an end, and in a sense, it was. But the fact that we didn’t live together didn’t change the fact that we saw each other at least once a week and I enjoyed, actually cherished those moments even more. He was growing up, passed his 18th birthday that autumn, and from there on, everything changed. He changed. Started to work out, spent hours upon hours of perfecting choreography, his own style of dancing and I watched, out of breath and sometimes in the small hours of the night, cheering him on and forcing him to go home when the sun started to paint the sky a soft grey. Putting him to bed with a small kiss on the crown of his head, and held back a small sigh every time he caught my wrist and begged me not to go because his feet hurt, and his back and his arms and he just wanted me to hold him and take the pain away.  
We both appreciated the art of creating. To make something and hear the sound of astonishment from our audience.   
I knew how to make a perfect cup of coffee. I could make art with steamed milk and espresso that many said was good enough to compete with and I would blush and look away, not trusting myself to be able to win a prize, even though it was something that was as natural for me as breathing by now. I was always a bit uncertain, with a big lack on both self-esteem and self-confidence. Both with what I did, even if I did something good, and how I knew that I was just an average girl. Nothing special at all. Nothing like my best friend.  
I didn’t blame him, but it still made me jealous, like it didn’t seem like I was good at anything at all when compared to having people turn their heads, not because you. Absolutely not because of you, but because the person walking beside you looked god sent.   
I huffed and buried my chin deeper into the hoodie I was wearing.  
“Do you want to go back?” Felix asked and the sound of his voice brought me back.   
I nodded, slightly flushed from embarrassment because I’d probably been staring out into the darkness that surrounded the gas station for a few minutes too long. We jumped into my 12-year-old, silver coloured Volvo v70 and Felix placed his arms around himself in a self-hug as I started the ignition and turned up the heat on the AC to full.  
“You need to get a new car” He said, like he’d done pretty much every time we’d driven in it in the past year and a half.  
“Buy me a new one when you get famous and it’s a deal” I replied, like I’d done every time he stated those exact words.   
He smiled again and I smiled back, his hand on mine as it rested on the manual gear and my heart broke in two again when I remember that I had to hold onto these kinds of memories because soon, the passenger seat next to me would be empty.  
-  
“What are you thinking about?” Chris asked me and leaned forward slightly to put a lock of hair behind my ear.   
He sat upright in our sofa, feet on the table while I laid beside him with my legs thrown over his lap. I had mindlessly watched a programme on TV, not really interested but didn’t want to move from my place and do anything else since the time we spent together, even if we didn’t talk, was becoming less and less frequent as university grew more and more intense for him.  
We lived in a small two room apartment, connected to the campus and the rent was small enough that we could live well with the money I earned when working full time plus the income Chris got from working short hours whenever they needed him, in the convenience store a few hundred meters from our home.   
“Nothing” I mumbled, which was the only truth I wanted to admit.  
Honestly, I hadn’t been thinking about anything specifically. Just letting my thoughts drift from how sleepy I was to what we were going to eat for dinner, how bad my feet hurt from standing at the cashier all day and how Felix whole face scrunched up in a bright smile when I waved goodbye to him as I dropped him off outside his dormitory yesterday.   
“Don’t lie. I know you babe; we’ve been together for that long” Chris sighed and gave me a small smile that spoke off how much he didn’t believe me.  
I looked away, pouted and played with a lock of my hair, purposely avoiding his gaze. He placed the stack of lyrics and half-finished composed music pieces on the table before scooting down between me and the backrest of the sofa. His touch was soft as he interlaced our fingers, our legs tangled together and he pressed my knuckles to his lips in a chaste kiss, following a pattern of coordinated moves that always happened when we were close.   
“I love you” He whispered and brushed his nose against mine, “He’s a big boy now, and even though you’ve taken care of him through his whole life, it’s time to let him spread his wings”  
I closed my eyes and hoped that Chris couldn’t feel how my heart picked up speed when he spoke about the person I was thinking about.   
I knew that a small hidden part of him was happy that Felix would go. That he would finally have me without any sort of competition. Even though they considered each other their second-best friend. Not that it was ever in the air that Felix and me would ever fall in love. People close to us only thought that it was cute that we were still best friends and I guessed that we always seemed like brother and sister to people outside our group of friends.   
But the thought of that always made me cringe a little. To say that nothing has ever happened between us was a lie. Nothing physical at all though, because the boy just had his 19th birthday, and even though I’d seen the way he looked at me sometimes from underneath long lashes after turning sixteen, from across our dinner table or while sitting a few meters apart on the sofa while I went over his homework at our old apartment, I wouldn’t dream of touching him in the way I could sense that he wanted me to.   
It was just subtle, sweet and almost lethal- like that one time on New Year’s when he was seventeen and nervously stuttered out a “can you be my first kiss, noona?” over a glass of wine to many and I, obviously, flat out refused to. Or to that first time when I truly realized that he was an actual adult and nearly walked in on him fucking a, very, loud girl in his dorm room shortly after Christmas. My hand up and ready to knock and all but I thankfully stopped myself just as I heard the noises. Or that one time, this summer, when he jumped into the lake we’d been camping next to because he couldn’t take the heat and flies anymore and I couldn’t help but stare when he broke through the surface again, standing on the shallow bottom, wet hair combed back and the white shirt he wore helplessly clung to the abs that covered his stomach, clenching as he breathed hard from the sudden coldness that enveloped his body. Dark hard nipples dented the thin fabric and I swallowed hard, suddenly happy that Chris decided to stay at home and study for extra points that would be helpful once the next semester started, because it felt like everyone could see the way I quickly tore my gaze away again before throwing him a towel.   
That’s all that it has ever been for me, a few butterflies in the stomach, a thankfulness that he still wanted to spend time with me, even though his popularity immediately shot through the roof when he got back from summer break and started university last year and his appearance had changed. His jawline sharper, eyes more intense, and even though his face was still rounded and soft at his cheeks, there was just something about him and I- I promised myself that I didn’t want it to be anything else. I was happy with the life I was living, with Chris in our apartment. With Felix as my best friend and nothing else. The butterflies that fluttered happily whenever he touched me could fly up and clog in my throat, to suffocate me completely for all I cared, I wasn’t going to destroy either of the precious relationships I had.   
“Babe, you sure you’re ok? You’re drifting away again” Chris leaned over me with pursed lips, just looking at me with that wrinkle between his brows that I hated, because it only appeared when he was really worried.  
“I’m fine… I just… I think I’m a bit tired” I answered, closed my eyes and buried my nose against his collarbone.  
“You’re not getting a fever, are you?” He placed a big, warm hand against my forehead, and I leaned into his touch, humming something incoherent as an answer, the familiar smell of his cologne made me sleepy and I used that familiarity, the love and trust he radiated as an eraser. Started at the top of the mental image I had of my best friend and swiped with large motions until the only thing that was left was his smile and the mental image of myself swallowed hard as it hesitated before it reached out and erased that too.   
-  
“I feel like this is an unnecessary long hug”   
“Don’t complain, I’m not the sweaty one at the moment”   
Felix chuckled softly against me, a twinkle in his eyes from the words he uttered, voice breaking a little and he cleared his throat as I let him go, reached for the water bottle I handled to him and emptied almost half of it in one go. I opened my mouth and he rolled his eyes before I even said anything, a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips,  
“I know, dehydration is bad, yada yada”   
I smiled back, couldn’t help myself as I watched him, cheeks flushed and chest still heaving. Sweat in the roots of the baby hairs in his forehead, dripping down his template and collecting on his cupids bow and chin.  
It was afternoon, sometime after 4 and I’d just gotten off work when I decided to surprise him at dance practise. Knew his daily schedule as well as my own, where he was and what he was doing and stifled a giggle behind my mouth earlier, when he saw me come through the door to the arena they trained in, almost missed the beat and send me a dirty look when he did so. His familiar sweet smile still breaking through just seconds later though when I stuck out my tongue at him.   
“Did you have anything in mind, or did you just want to see me?” He asked and combed back his hair from his forehead, and I know I zoned out for a second too much, watching him with awkward admiration, when he looked away,   
“I’m gonna shower first, don’t worry. I know I look gross”   
I opened my mouth to protest but quickly closed it again. Didn’t want to add fuel to the fire that burned bright in my heart when the freckles on his face came through even brighter as the flush from his face slowly disappeared.   
Twenty minutes later and we’re walking out the door of the school arena. The weather was nice and warm for the season, enough to wear jeans and a sweater, but still almost chilly enough to have a jacket as well and I was thankful that I decided to bring one with me. Felix combed back his hair again as we walked towards the parking lot, still a bit wet from the shower, while he closed his eyes momentarily to enjoy the soft, cool breeze. My hand itched to hold his, to get as close as I possibly could within the limitations of our friendship. I gripped the jacket I had thrown over my arm tighter instead while digging through the pockets to find my car key. He threw his bag in the back seat and like he usually did, seemed to have read my mind, because he interlaced our hands the moment, I’d driven out of the school zone. A soft smile on his lips when I glanced over at him. He opened his mouth, a wrinkle between his brows and I answered before he asked,  
“I missed you, and I know that you’ve been busy, coming up with the choreography and then learning it but-”  
“It’s been empty without you too” He finished and squeezed my hand, “So you decided-”  
“To go out and get dinner. Nothing fancy-”  
“Or else you wouldn’t have picked me up just after practise”  
I nodded and focused back on the road, needing to pay full attention to the busy afternoon. A few minutes passed in silence as he looked out the window and I fought my way through the traffic. Some kind of indie pop music played on the radio and he hummed along with some songs he was familiar with before suddenly speaking up again,  
“Noona?”   
I hummed to signal that I listed as he continued, and even though I couldn’t look at him at the moment, I could still hear how he talked with a pout on his lips, “Thank you, I have been-”  
“Working hard, and don’t you dare say anything else” I finished off and Felix just nodded, and didn’t say anything else, even though I felt how much he wanted to protest. I parked at our favourite restaurant with a soft sigh. It was a diamond in the rough, open 24/7, that we kept hidden from our friends and family. Just to have a secret place to ourselves that we could go to at any time of the day, without accidentally running into someone. The main chef and owner greeted us at the door, confirmed that we wanted the usual and we sat down at our regular place at the window while we waited. Felix fiddled with a napkin and I pursed my lips in thought, watched how his fingers folded the same paper plane over and over until I got tired of his restlessness and decided to just break the ice.  
“What’s wrong?”  
He paused for a second, didn’t look up and the furrow that rested on his brow send them deeper in thought over his eyes, before he continued with the same plane model and I sighed deep while leaning forward, placed my hand on his to stop his fiddling and he looked up to meet my eyes, “What if I’m not good enough?”  
There was pain hidden in the brown of them and I winced on the inside. Hated to see my overall happy best friend in such a bad mood. Hated that I understood exactly how he felt that he didn’t have to say another word when he slumped against the backrest, slipped down on the chair slightly and rubbed his face with a tired motion.   
“You are, though. Even if you don’t think so yourself. You received the opportunity for a reason. It’s all paid for, a whole six months to train with the best in the industry. Do you really think that such an opportunity would be handled out to just about anyone?”   
He looked out the window, crossed his arms over his chest and I wanted to reach out again. To hold him for hours and tell him over and over again that he was amazing. That he was more than enough.   
“No but-” He mumbled under his breath.  
“No buts. I know that it’s easy to say, since I can’t dance to save my life, but you are perfect. Best in your school and probably in the district. No one can deny that. It’s your choreography everyone’s dancing to. You’re the one in lead. Didn’t you hear the applause from the gallery when you were finished? People were screaming”  
“I heard your applause from the gallery” He muttered, ears slightly reddened from my reassurance and I tugged on his arm to undo the crossing across his chest. He pursed his lips, inhaled deeply before letting go and let me place my hand in his to give him a small squeeze.   
My heart hammered in my chest from the heavy but bright feeling that simmered in my stomach when he looked back at me from underneath his fringe. A silent exchange of- not words but what only could resemble that, between us. Seconds passed and he gave me a small smile. Of appreciation, of the love between two close friends and I smiled back, while his thumb stroked down over the knuckles on my hand. 


	2. I'll miss you

It was Saturday evening, somewhere around 10 pm and our apartment was full. Alcohol was flooding and for once, everyone in our group of friends was there. Two girls I’d befriended from work had joined on my request as well and both were already chatting up Changbin, Han and Jeongin. As the oldest of the group, all the boys included, I often felt responsible for them all and needless to say, I felt like the most boring adult ever when I clinked my glass with one of the girls to get her attention and nodded towards the smiley boy at the end of the sofa. His non-alcoholic carbonated drink in a steady grip as he listened in on the conversation between his hyungs and the girl closest to him.  
“Just a small warning” I paused, felt how I slurred slightly and took another sip of whatever it was Chris had mixed together. Grimaced slightly to the way too sweet taste before I continued, “Our youngest friend is only here because he enjoys the crowd” I nodded towards Jeongin and the girl I was talking to glanced at him before she looked back at me with big surprised eyes, ”He might try to convince you that he’s just as drunk as the rest of us but it’s just a big fat lie and he only wants to get laid”  
“No need to be a party pooper, noona” Jeongin said with a large pout and I only stuck out my tongue before giving him a big smile. Pursed my lips slightly when he rejected the love heart I formed over my head. A stern look on his face while shaking his head in disappointment and for a second I got worried that he was angry, but he couldn’t hold the stoic mask for long and soon enough broke out in a smile that crinkled the corners of his eyes.  
“Anyone wanna play a game?” Chris voice suddenly roared over the music and all of us looked up at him from our scattered places across the room. He stood in the corridor that connected our bedroom with the rest of the apartment and for a split second I got scared that his drunken mind would’ve found it funny to share the box of sex toys we had hidden underneath our bed.   
“What?” Jisung screamed out from the top of his lungs but only received frightened eyes from my two co-workers, the rest of us were used to it by now.  
“Spin the bottle” Chris screamed back and revealed the old whisky bottle that he’d hidden behind his back the whole time.  
I sighed deeply in relief and caught his eyes as he gathered the group into a circle on the floor.  
“You really thought I was going to do something naughty, don’t you?” He whispered as he sat down, right next to me. Fingers playing with the hem of my high waisted black jeans while he pulled my whole body towards him and I shivered slightly when he placed a sloppy kiss underneath my ear.   
I looked up, accidentally met Felix eyes across the circle, bottle in a tight grip and frozen momentarily in the motion of bringing the drink to his lips while he watched when my face changed as I sighed from the added pressure of Chan’s teeth grazing my skin and the small nibbles that followed, causing pink splotches of colour to blossom over the side of my neck. The moment only lasted for a few seconds though, before he looked away as if nothing had happened. His Adam’s apple bobbing when he downed the whole drink in one go. Excused himself from the group, even though no one listened, walked past us to the fridge to get something else and Chris asked (shouted) over his shoulder if Felix could be a dear and get him something as well.   
He doesn’t notice the look he gets in return, no one does because no one would. But I’d known him before he even took his first breath on planet earth and the small twitch in the corner of Felix mouth, the way his eyes rolled ever so slightly- was of clear annoyance and I wondered what my boyfriend now had done that had put the younger in such a bad mood.  
I wanted to reach out for him when he walked past us again, to try and cheer him up but decided against it when he placed a beer in front of Chris and another one in front of me. Only gave me a small look to confirm when I silently, without using anything else than the body language only the two of us knew, thanked him for bringing me something that I could finally drink.   
The evening continued and I didn’t know how I ended up in my boyfriend’s lap as two hours passed. Maybe it was from a dare, maybe it was because his hands hadn’t left my hips the whole time. Almost fucking up the game multiple times because the group could never decide if it pointed towards me or him. I was drunk. Knew it from the thick cotton ball feeling in my head to my slightly numb fingers and the way my heart thumped hard in my chest. Stuck in that perfect stage when I had just enough to remember my every action the next day but still felt invincible at the moment.   
I revelled in it- the feeling. Chris body was warm underneath mine and my breath hitched when I felt how he tried to undo my belt buckle for the third time within the hour. I tried to wiggle away but he kept me locked where I was with two secure hands locked around my hips, and thrusted up slightly against my ass instead, just to tease me. I playfully hit his hand and shook my head when he rolled my body onto his half hard cock, the same way he’d been doing for the last fifteen minutes, and gave him another look of disapproval when a breathless gasp escaped my lips against my will, scolded him without using words but he just shrugged and gave me an innocent smile.  
“Ok, ok, we get it. You guys wanna fuck. It’s literally 12 am and this party is just getting started. Get over yourselves or get it over with”  
Hyunjin shouted, annoyance and what could only be depicted as jealousy in his voice, from across the room and Chris hands were back around my waist while people around us laughed loudly from the shameless words.  
Chris pouted and his fingers drummed on my jean clad thighs, puppy eyes and all. Even fluttered his lashes a few times and I rolled my eyes to him while I tried to fight off the arousal that already burned between my legs from the thought of his cock pounding me while our friends were waiting for us on the other side of the apartment.   
“You’re a lucky girl” One of my co-workers shouted the moment I stood up and Chris followed, the dent of his own arousal clear as day because of the tight ripped blues he was wearing and Changbin, Han and Minho shouted more and more vulgar words after us when Chris took my hand, kissed it as he bowed, almost theatrically before he leaned down and surprisingly easy, considering how much we’d been drinking, swooped me off my feet and started to carry me bridal style to our bedroom.   
I caught Felix eyes behind us and for the first time in my entire life, couldn’t immediately recognize the expression he on his face. Lips parted and eyes hooded while he brought the bottle in his hands to his lips again. Knuckles nearly white from holding onto it too hard and I feared for a moment that it would break and shatter in his hand. Tongue flicking out to wet his lower lip and he raised the bottle to me just before Chris closed the bedroom door, gave me a small wink as a cheeky goodbye with one brow raised, but his lips were pressed together in a way I only recognized as anger.   
-  
“I need a hug. A three hour one”   
I stumbled through Felix’s door and he looked at me with a small smile while putting his hand on my back to make sure that I didn’t stumble over his doormat. I was fresh of work, fatigued and tired. Feet and back hurting and regretted for the thousand time that I didn’t just put away some money to buy a proper pair of shoes.   
“Tough day at work?” He asked and I nodded while kicking off my shoes and laid down in his bed.   
Closed my eyes and winced in pain as my back relaxed against the soft mattress. Felt the bed dip when he sat down next to me while placing a comforting hand on my thigh. The slight pressure when he splayed it over the sensitive area made me shudder slightly and I leaned into his touch, body moving on it's on to get closer to him.  
“Do you want me to hold you?” He asked and I nodded again while scooting over slightly.   
He laid down next to me and I turned around, still with my eyes closed, and nuzzled up next to him. Breathed in deeply, felt how my entire body shook when I inhaled the smell of him and how relaxed I felt after I exhaled again. Heard him snort out a small laugh from my action and knew that he smiled brightly- were so used to it that I could see it against the darkness of my eyelids, as if my eyes were open. He placed his arms around me, hugging me close and I buried my nose against the place he sprayed his cologne, just above the collarbone. Felt him twitch slightly from the ticklish feeling while placing a delicate kiss on the crown of my head.  
“You smell like coffee” He whispered against me and I hummed back,  
“I know, I’m sorry”   
He chuckled and took a deep breath himself, laid his hand flat against my back and pressed us as close as we possible could. Connected from top to bottom with our legs tangled and I felt how my heart skipped a beat.  
“I just mind the taste, not the smell, and certainly not on you”   
“Cheeseball” I would’ve stuck my tongue out at him but didn’t want to move away from my place so close to him.   
We grew silent. Just listened to the sound of shuffling in the rooms around us, to music that played from a boom blaster outside, a car that honked from the road off campus and a tv programme in the common room downstairs.   
“I can’t help but to be selfish. Laying like this, really make me hesitate on actually going away” Felix voice was soft, or well, as soft as he could muster, and I felt how my body coiled slightly from the words as it twisted and turned inside me.   
He sounded so full of angst, of sorrow that it hurt me, and I quickly shook my head and reached up to comb my fingers through the hair at the back of his head. Felt how he gasped harshly as the tingly feeling sent ripples down his spine and I took a staggering breath against him while I repeated the action.  
“You need to go though. There’s-”  
“No discussion… I know, noona. I just-”  
“Want to stay as well”   
He didn’t answer. Didn’t need to. I felt how his pulse picked up as his heart hammered hard against me.  
“I’d be lying if I said that I’ll be ok. That I won’t cry. That I won’t miss you. That I won’t miss moments like this… But to think so is selfish. The logical part of my brain knows that you will return to me. That you will come back so, so much stronger. With experience that will be vital to your studies, and for you to be able to do what you want in life” He was silent. Just stroked down my hair as he listened, and I was pretty sure that his eyes were closed as well. Just enjoyed this quiet moment of peace and serenity between us, “You know. It’s been some time since I was that bigger sister that always had your back. Since you were the one who looked up to me”  
“I still look up to you, noona. You’re kind. Well spoken. Beautiful. Put together”  
“Put together?” I chuckled a little, tried to ignore the voice that happily cackled like a maniac in my mind when he called me ‘beautiful’ and he returned the humour in his slightly exaggerated words,   
“Not put together then, no one really is. But I mean… strong… you know? You’ve always been. Ever since we moved away from our parents. You took care of me, and my teenage shenanigans every day. Made sure that I did my homework, made sure that the bills were paid on time, made sure that I had dinner in me before going to bed and breakfast before going to school. Even after I moved out and you moved in with Chris, you never faltered. You still do those little things. You have a job that you enjoy and people that love you”   
“That’s just being an adult, though” I smiled at him. Appreciative of the sweet words but protesting against them anyway,  
“There’s not many people who can say that they adult good, though. You’re a perfect role model”  
I hummed a response. Not really knowing how to answer.   
-  
It was intoxicating. In the sweetest way possible. The weight of his body against my own as he leaned back against my chest. He’d come crawling up against me like a cat who craved warmth after finishing his studies. Slightly slumped over in front of me as I watched the small TV, propped up on an unstable table at the other end of the bed. Complained with a big pout that he was cold and needed me, and who was I to reject him? Who was I to say anything when he gave me a smile that made butterflies flutter in my stomach before comfortably laying down in my arms with his head resting against my boobs, using them as a pillow. My left arm thrown over his hard chest while the other automatically removed the cap he wore to reveal those bouncy lilac locks of his. I know that the “right thing”- what society told us every time we displayed physical affection and people realized we weren’t a couple, would be to protest when he laid down in that position. But we’d grown up like this, basically joined at the hip. So accustomed to each other that it was as if our bodies had grown up to fit against each other like puzzle pieces. To always lay so, so close to each other that the situation didn’t feel weird at all.  
My fingers combed through his hair, the softness of it rippled like water between my fingers and I couldn’t help but place a small kiss on the crown of his head when he looked up to meet my eyes, watched me upside down for a few seconds before he closed his eyes again as I moved some hair that had fallen onto his forehead, my fingertips brushing against the barely noticeable thought wrinkles there and I had to remind myself to breathe when he gave me another soft smile. I didn’t know what was on the TV anymore, didn’t care much either as he aimed his focus back to the screen, a breathy hum of satisfied content erupt from his throat when I scraped my nails softly against his scalp.  
“Stay the night?” He asked with a voice that didn’t think I would, and I frowned. Thought about Chris and felt a tinge of guilt in my heart when I wondered if he sat up and waited for me, if he went to bed on time like he’d promised or if he, like he usually did when I wasn’t home, spent the night out with friends.   
“Sure” I said, thinking that my apartment would most likely be cold and empty if I went home and Felix looked back at me again, that bright smile that I loved so much on his lips when he hugged around my left arm tightly and even though the act; with his smile, the adoration he displayed, the way he pressed closer to me, nuzzling his back harder onto my frame to get even closer- was part of a cute behaviour that made me softly smile, the muscles on his stomach clenched and my breath almost hitched as my fingertips brushed against the hard abs through the thin white tee he wore. He didn’t seem to notice though, or at least that’s what I thought at first but knew that I was busted the second he met my eyes.  
“Do you wanna see?” He asked with an unusual mixture of pride and insecurity and I guess the subconscious part of me, the one that has had way too many thoughts about him these last few days, must’ve nodded because he stood up, met my eyes and I sat up straighter as he hooked his fingers around the lining of his shirt and raised it high enough to show off what I’d felt but still low enough to keep the feeling of modesty between us.   
My mouth fell open. I didn’t realize it at first but the smile on Felix face told me so as he looked away, pink dusting his cheeks and I had to remind myself to breathe again.   
“You look…” I started but didn’t had to finish, as per usual.  
“Thank you. It’s nice to see that months of training finally pays off” He continued and looked down on himself.   
My fingers twitched in my lap and I swallowed hard, hoping that he hadn’t noticed, but he looked back at me at the same second and while one hand held up his shirt, the other reached out for me, “Come on, you can touch”  
“You make it seem like I’ve never seen abs before” I chuckled but still accepted the hand that took mine before he pressed it against the hardness on his stomach.   
I bit down on my tongue while my fingertips brushed back and forth, and he grinned from ear to ear when I still let out a small gasp of surprise,  
“I’m not saying that you’ve never seen abs. But it’s been some time, eh?”   
I met his eyes after he spoke. Embarrassed that he could read me like an open book. He let go of my hand, probably thinking that I’d let him go too, but the cogwheels in my mind worked fast, spiralled into a plan of mischief and I kept my hand where it was. Splayed it open against his stomach before it was joined by my other and I placed them around his hips instead, pulled on his whole body and he was forced to take a step forward towards me. I pushed aside my morals, my emotions and gave him a sweet smile from my place on the low bed, thumbs rubbing down his hip bones and he seemed to realize the compromising position I was in as well. If he’d take another small step, I’d be close enough to press my lips against the exposed skin he was still showing. He could feel traces of my warm breath against him and the tips of my pinkies slipped into the lining of his trainers. Even more noticeable, and I tilted my head with a small pout on my lips when his mouth fell open and a harsh gasp escaped his throat when I leaned forward while glancing down at his crotch- I could easily slide the rest of my hands into his pants and let him slip into my mouth without moving another centimetre.   
His cock twitched in his pants when the same thought crossed his mind. Gulped slightly when his cheeks flushed red and I met his eyes again as I smiled happily while pushing him backwards to put some space between us again.   
“I’m not saying that you’ve never had sex. But it’s been some time, eh?” I imitated him and he rolled his eyes before cursing loudly, pulled down his shirt low to cover himself.  
“Noona. You scared me for a second” He complained and slumped down next to me while grabbing a pillow to press against his crotch in the process and I chuckled at him.  
“Why?” I asked and he flushed even redder.  
Refused to answer the question.  
-  
Another stressful week had passed, and I felt bad for Chris when I once again rejected his suggestion to go to the cinema and watch a movie as soon as he had finished his essay. He was probably home by now, reading the note I’d written to him about where I was, that he should eat while the food I cooked for him was still warm and promised that I’ll be home early enough for us to watch a movie at home instead before it got too late.   
Felix hand was warm in mine as we laid on a double layered blanket on the hood of my car. Parked in the middle of a parking lot to the biggest shopping centre in our part of town. Dressed for the cold weather outside. The sky was clear, temperature a bit chilly but still calm, without any wind. He pointed out the stars for me, like he’d done so many times before and I was unsure if he understood that I only pretended that I didn’t know them all already or if he thought that it was one thing that I simply just couldn’t remember. He didn’t seem to mind repeating them though and I smiled softly when he tested my knowledge. Harshly clenched my jaw from the laugh that bubbled from his chest when I (purposely) told him the wrong answer and felt how my heart ached, because every time he laughed like that, with twinkling eyes into two thin crescents and pearly whites shining, I was reminded that he would be going away.   
“I’m going to miss you” I said just as he had questioned me again, turning my head so I could meet his eyes.   
“Wrong! It’s actually Cassiopeia” He said with a fully serious face but the mask fell quickly when my mouth fell open from the disrespect he just showed me, “I’ll miss you too, noona” He quickly added and I huffed slightly while I looked up to the stars again.   
“I bet I’m going to miss you more though” I said and felt my cheeks heat up from the sudden confession,  
“It’s not a competition, noona” Felix said softly, and I chuckled under my breath, but it sounded forced, painful,   
“You’re going to be busy with a full schedule all day and I’m going to wonder if you still want to be my friend when you get back or if you’ve found some cool girl that can mirror the dance moves you do. Someone that will be your new best friend because you’ll share more interests with her” I looked away, chewed on my inner cheek as the words spilled from my lips. Leaving out the rest of the sentence that I wanted to say. That I was worried he was finally going to fall in love with someone his own age, someone that would be the reason why he’d move away from me permanently.   
“You’re joking, right?” Felix asked with a voice that echoed the disbelief of the question.  
We were close, shoulder to shoulder and for a minute I could feel him breathing hard next to me, like the subject bothered him more than he wanted to admit, “Even if I befriended some “cool girl” there will never be someone like you, noona” He squeezed my hand and I squeezed back on pure reflex, hiding a small smile underneath my scarf “I’m more scared that Chris will put his thoughts into action and kidnap you to an undisclosed location so that he can finally have you for himself” He chuckled to himself and combed back his hair before he placed his arm behind his head to lay more comfortably, looking about as embarrassed as I felt myself when we opened up to each other, “He has always been jealous of me, you know. We still fight about it, five years later. I think we’ll always fight about... it”  
He grew silent and I swallowed hard, feeling how he wanted to say ‘you’ but switched the word to ‘it’ in the last second, changing the whole sentence by doing so. I didn’t know how to answer. Mostly since I’d been thinking about them, the same thoughts, as well, scared that even after this long, the bond that I shared with Felix had never wavered. Had never been affected, like I thought it would when I got together with Chris. Felix cleared his throat, a bit uncomfortable when the mood between us seemed to ripple a little.  
I wondered if he felt like I did at that moment. Like all the things that had just simmered in our bodies for years started to boil up, scorching us as the amount of time before his departure shortened. It was uncomfortable and I didn’t know what to do or what to say to make myself feel better. To make it feel like I didn’t betray the trust Chris had towards me, even though the most intimate thing me and Felix had ever done was the thing we were doing at the moment- just holding hands, cuddling as we watched a movie or huddling as close together as we could when the only comfort we could find was within one another, because there was no beginning where he also ended, only each other and vice versa. There had been moments when we’d teased each other, like that time a few days ago when I accidentally (on purpose) made him hard after touching his abs… but the situation has always been playful, like we’d just been joking around.  
“I uh… have tea, if you’d like” I steered away from the subject of him leaving, of Chris potentially taking me away and the feelings I still felt stirring in my belly and he nodded happily as we sat up and he turned towards me while I opened my bag to grab the thermos before I poured him a mug of the hot beverage. He switched hand with mine after a while, thoughtful since that hand had been heated up from the tea and I gave him a small smile before our eyes wandered back against the sky.   
He was truly the most gorgeous human I’d ever seen, and I couldn’t help but watch him as he continued to watch the sky. Dressed in trainers as usual, with a chunky turtleneck sweater and a thick jacket, all black from numerous brands, looking so effortlessly well dressed, in a way I’d never succeeded. Shoulders raised and chin hidden in the extra fabric around his neck to protect himself from the chilly air. Soft purple hair sticking out from underneath a beanie and those freckles of his splattered over the bridge of his nose, cheeks and eyelids like the stars in the sky. Lips pouting slightly as he counted the gleaming constellations above and I counted the freckles on his face, even though I knew the exact amount of them already. Cursed myself as I leaned forward and swiped away a crumb of chip that had gotten stuck in the corner of his lips from when we ate snacks while watching the sun go down earlier.  
He whispered a small, “Thank you” and I pretended that I wasn’t curious if his lips tasted like the salty tanginess of the chip he’d eaten.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Much love ♥


	3. Blood and tears

The feeling rippled through me and made goosebumps cover my entire body. I pressed him closer and the plumpness of his lips against my own made me shudder. He leaned in further, placed his thumb on my chin and pulled down my jaw before he coaxed my head to the side, tongue meeting mine before our lips did. A moan rumbled deep inside his chest and I whimpered as his other hand grabbed a handful of hair in my neck before he pulled on it hard. My breath hitched and I tried my very best to not roll my hips down against the hard cock that poked my clothed cunt. The burn of my arousal so good that I quivered against him. I met his eyes and shivered slightly when I saw myself in the darkness of them. The gentle brown I was so used to almost completely swallowed up.  
“Don’t give me that look, you know that I’ll lose the last ounce of self-control I have in my body” He whispered and placed his arms around my waist instead, pushing me down against his erection and my breath hitched again. The smirk on his lips made my heart flip.   
“Do you want it? You want me to push those cute panties aside and fill you up until I’m the only one echoing inside your mind? You want me to fuck you so hard that no one else will ever be good enough for you, huh? Do you want that, noona?”  
I opened my mouth to answer but was silenced by a voice.  
“Babe?”  
“Huh?” I mumbled back and the image that had played out disappeared as I stirred awake.  
“Babe!”  
The voice pressed on and I turned around in bed, latched onto the person next to me and frowned slightly as I clenched around nothing, feeling unbelievably turned on.  
“Babe, wake up”  
I opened my eyes slowly, grimace and winced at the sun that enveloped our bedroom with bright light and looked up, eyes squinting and still barely opened when I met Chris amused ones. He was smirking at me, one brow raised, and I looked away again when the arm I was clutching, moved between my thighs, feeling the wetness there just as well as I did.  
“I think someone had a very, very nice dream” He snickered and lay me on my back with a soft shove against my shoulder before moving on top of me instead, leaning over my body like a predator that had just caught a pray.   
I wanted to defend myself. Against the fact that the dream I just had wasn’t connected to Chris himself at all, even though he couldn’t possibly know that, but my voice got stuck in my throat which only made Chris smile ever bigger.  
“Cat got your tongue?” He teased and I wet my lips nervously before he leaned down and captured them, morning breath be damned.   
I felt ashamed when I remembered the way that Felix had felt on my body, the way that he had been rolling it against his lap with two firm hands on my ass, the way that his eyes had looked so incredibly blown out when I gasped.   
Chris entered me easily, I was basically dripping on the sheet underneath us and I held onto him as he moved our bodies. Closed my eyes when my head fell back from the insatiable lust that swallowed me whole and fought off the thought of how good my best friend would feel instead.  
-  
“Noona” Felix voice rumbled in his chest underneath my hand and I hummed in response, but didn’t look up to meet the eyes I felt was watching me, “Do you think that he’d mind?”   
“Who? Chris?”   
“No, Santa Claus”   
I looked up then and rolled my eyes at the small grin on his face. We were in my apartment, just watching whatever was on the tv, him resting on his back and me between his body and the backrest of the sofa. Our legs tangled and his hand in mine, interlaced over his chest and I could feel his heartbeat underneath my fingertips, felt the heat that radiated from his body and nuzzled my nose against his shoulder.  
“Why would he mind?” I asked and looked up to meet his eyes again.   
Leaned into his touch while he placed a lock of hair behind my ear, a habit that Chris had as well but I would never admit out loud that I enjoyed it more when Felix did it. The smile that broke out on his face was as warm as his body against mine and I couldn’t help but smile back, completely helpless against the spell he cast over me when his fingers travel from my hair down the edge of my jaw before he pressed his finger on the tip of my nose, adding a small “Bop” sound effect to the action and I scrunched up my nose at him, the smile still playing on my lips.   
“We’ve been seeing each other so much lately. So much more than usual, sometimes I wonder if he’d be jealous, if he saw us right now” He started and sighed, yawned slightly and combed back the fringe that fell in front of his eyes, “I know I would, if you’d be mine and our roles would be switched”  
I nodded, slowly and sighed as well, tried to calm my suddenly racing heart, “I… I don’t know. I guess he would. He knows that we’re close though. We’ve been together for that long”  
Felix just hummed in response and I was unsure if he didn’t know how to answer or if he didn’t have anything else to add to the thought. He placed his arm around me again, pushed me closer against his side with a splayed out hand over my lower back and I nuzzled close to him again, carefully making sure that I wouldn’t indulge too much in the feeling when I inhaled deeply through my nose and felt the smell of his cologne fill up my senses.   
-  
“Why do you smell like him again?”   
It was later on the same day and Chris voice was a bit louder than normal. He was hurt, confused, angry and I opened my mouth to answer but he interrupted me before I could defend myself.  
“What has gotten into you by the way? The two of you usually just hang out once a week and now it’s like you’ve become even more obsessed with him than normally! Like your body has…” He gestured widely with his hands, an upset wrinkle between his brows as his arms swept the air in front of me, “Completely gone into overdrive, like you need to spend every waking moment with him” He exhaled hard, tugging on his hair when he combed through it and took deep breaths to try and calm down, “He- he is going away. You can’t stop him. It’s time for the both of you to grow up and stop pretending that your relationship is anywhere close to healthy”   
I took a step back, surprised by the slowly phrased but still very hurtful words that slipped from his lips. Tried to see any sort of regret in his eyes but saw none and felt how my cheeks heated up with quick, explosive anger.  
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” I asked and Chris seemed to realize his clumsy words when my fists clenched, nails forming small moon shaped indents into the skin of my hand. He paused for a second, as if he wanted to collect his thoughts before he spoke again,  
“I meant what I said. I know that the two of you are close, but you are older, too old for your relationship to make any sort of sense anymore. It was cute when you were younger, the way that you always made time for him even after we got together, even after we moved in together… but now…" His voice was calm while he looked down on his feet, toes wiggling in his socks and I clenched my jaw to his words, “It’s funny…” He looked up again and rolled his eyes, the chuckle that left his lips anything but joyful, “My parents asked me the other day if they were ever going to get grandchildren or if we at least had any sort of engagement plans and I-” He swallowed hard and shook his head with a deep sigh, “I just said that I wanted to” He cleared his throat and finally met my eyes, “To build a family with you but that it was your choice in the end. I left out the words that I didn’t know if that’s what you wanted, though, because even though we’ve been together for half a decade, I still feel like I don’t know what you’re thinking sometimes. Like there is a part of you that you still have hidden for me. That part of you that I think I’ll never access because it’s barely you- just him”  
I didn’t know how to answer. Opened my mouth but found myself completely mute as the words he just said played back like a movie in my head, going faster and faster until it made me dizzy.  
“What do you want? Is it even still me anymore?” His voice broke slightly, and my heart shattered when I saw tears forming in the corners of his eyes.  
I nodded quickly and without hesitation. Swallowed hard to keep my own emotions at bay. I still loved him. Those feelings had never wavered, I knew that for a fact. It was the feelings towards my best friend that had changed. Those feelings that had been elevated as the days passed by faster and faster.   
“I don’t know if I can believe that anymore” Chris bit his lower lip as he watched me, chest heaving as he sighed and shook his head slightly again before he stroked his hands down his face in a tired motion. Walked past me, put on his shoes and grabbed his jacket before he walked out without another word. The door slammed in my face and I felt tears fall before his steps had faltered in the stairwell. I broke down, couldn’t hold myself upright anymore and just slumped against the wall beside me. We’d fought before, but somehow this seemed like it was more serious than ever before, and I panted between hiccupping sobs.   
Looked around me like I couldn’t recognize where I was.   
Needed to get out.   
Couldn’t stay at home, too distraught with the thought of our shared apartment, our bed, our stuff.  
The ride to Felix was short and he opened the door to his room at the dorm after one knock on the door. The smile on his face fell when he saw my wet, flushed cheeks and red eyes. He pulled me into a hug with two strong arms around me, knowing that it was exactly what I needed and I felt fresh tears fall when he took a small step back, closed the door behind me with a nudge of his foot while I started to sob onto his chest. One hand stroking my back while the other carefully combed through my hair. I took him in and felt how the throbbing pain in my heart lessened with every minute passing as I held him, hands clenching the fabric of his shirt and followed blindly while he lead me to his bed, laid me down softly, without letting go and if I'd be with anyone else, even Chris, I’d feel embarrassed of the situation, of the uncontrollable sobs that left me breathless.  
But he only continued to stroke circles over my back, nuzzled his nose at the crone of my head and I just wanted to sink deeper into him, disappear within his smell, his body, his touch as he placed small kisses there, innocent but enough for me to shudder slightly to the feeling. Sensed an indescribable sickness with myself because my emotions toward him was the reason why I was sobbing into his chest, wetting his shirt with tears and snot.   
“What happened?” He asked after a while, when my hiccups had started to ease and the torment in my heart had been replaced with emptiness.   
“We fought. He-”  
“He didn’t break up with you, did he?” Felix interrupted and looked so worried I couldn’t help but smile weakly.  
“No” I shook my head and he almost sighed with relief, “No, we just… I don’t know what really happened. Jealousy, built up anger, stress… It was all a mess really, too many hurtful words from his side… I wasn't even given the chance to defend myself- I- I don’t want to talk about it”  
Felix nodded, held me close again and I buried my nose against his collarbone while I felt his chest raising and lowering against me with every breath. The familiarity of him against me. The place where I felt most at home.   
“I don’t want you to go” I whispered and the chuckle that bubbled from his chest made the pain inside me even more intense.  
“I’m not going anywhere, noona” He said, and I felt new tears form in my eyes.  
“You know what I mean” I whispered again and the small “Oh” that followed when he understood, only made him hold me even tighter.  
-  
“I’m sorry” Chris voice was weak when he looked at me with eyes that were red from crying. I had opened the door to my apartment with my key and he’d met me in the hallway, almost tripping over our hallway carpet as he ran up to meet me, stopping dead in his tracks when Felix was the one that he nearly smacked into. The younger of the two stared him down while I hung my jacket on its usual place, “I’m sorry” He repeated, and I walked around from behind my best friend to stand beside him and come face to face with Chris. He sighed heavy. A small unsure smile tugging at his lips and I could see how much he yearned to hold me, fingers twitching as he took a step forward but was stopped when Felix took a step to the side to block him from me again.  
“I’ll leave soon, in two weeks to be exact” His voice was calm, but the seriousness, the hoarseness in it, was rumbling and Chris seemed to stretch his back and stand taller, as if he felt like his masculinity were threatened, “I know that you would want me to leave tomorrow, hell, tonight even. That you long for the time that you will have with her, all to yourself. Without me to bother the two of you” He took another step forward, voice dropping another octave while he stared at Chris with sharp, unwavering eyes, “If you ever hurt her again, in the way that you hurt her yesterday, I’ll know. I’ll know and I will come back before the first drop of tears will wet her cheeks. She’s not just my best friend, she’s my whole world and nothing else matters than her happiness, you got that? Not me, not the opportunity I’ve received and certainly not the friendship between us”  
There was a pause, a tense one, before Chris nodded and held out his pinkie, “Promise you’ll come back stronger than you are now, because I want you to beat me into a bloody pulp before that happens again”   
Felix only nod at those words, locked his pinkie with Chris and I inhaled sharply, not realizing I’d held my breath. They turned to me, and I gave them both a weak smile. Closed my arms around Felix and he embraced me back, that familiar smile I was used to back on his face.   
He gave me another glance, a silent exchange between us as he made sure that I was ok and I looked back at him, my expression barely changing but he understood anyway, gave me another small smile and then walked out the door.   
“I’m sorry” Chris said again, and I sighed, crossed my arms over my chest and walked to the wardrobe in our bedroom to get changed. Feeling gross since I’d been wearing the same clothes for the past 24 hours. I turned to him after choosing a pair of sweatpants and a sweater, my favourite. The one that Felix had given me a month ago because I was freezing as we got a midnight snack after a night out, gave Chris a look and he raised his hand up with confusion.  
“I’ve literally seen you naked like a thousand times, babe”  
I scoffed, turned around and muttered back, “Yeah, but not when I’m still angry with you” while I shed my clothes. Flinched a little when Chris hand sneaked around my waist as soon as I was dressed again and spun me around so that I faced him again.  
“Hear me out babe, I know that I expressed myself a bit…”   
“Stupid? Like a complete idiot?” I interrupted and he wet his lips, a sigh on his lips while they tugged upwards in a small smile,  
“I was going to say clumsy but sure, maybe stupid as well” He let go of me and took a step back, putting space between us to be able to form his thoughts more properly this time, “I am jealous. I can admit that. Always has been. I shouldn’t have said the words I said, I regret that, but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s going away, and it doesn’t change the fact that I feel left out, more left out than usual. I know that you have this silent line of communication between the two of you. A connection. Something that I can never change. Call it soulmates or whatever, nevertheless” He paused to breathe, combed through his hair and looked up to meet my eyes again, “Nevertheless, I think that this is good for you, for the both of you. I can’t understand, because I don’t have that sort of bond, but I know that you’re scared and I…”  
“But there you have it” I busted out and tried to keep my voice down, interrupting him and snorted out a weak chuckle while shrugging in disbelief to the obvious answer, “I’m scared because it will be the first time I spend time away from him. The first time I leave his side, ever. It fucking terrifies me. Is it really so strange then, that I want to spend time with him?”  
“No! It’s not! But there is more to it, right? You know that too”  
I looked at him, confused and he smacked his tongue against the roof of his mouth and looked away, sighed deeply as I held up my hands with a ’what the hell’ motion, “I don’t understand, what is more? I have every right to spend time with him if I want to, just as much as you have the right to spend time with your friends”  
“Of course, you have! But its- You can’t compare him with my friends- I mean- it’s not the point” Chris looked at me helplessly and I wondered if there was something that I actually didn’t understand. That his words had some sort of underlying thought. I furrowed my brows and he seemed to get even more agitated, like he thought I was playing dumb.  
“You know what I’m talking about” He pressed on, jaw clenched, with a voice that got increasingly upset and I felt rage explode inside me.   
“No, what the fuck is the point!?” I shouted, angry with his cryptic words. Knew that I probably shouldn’t raise my voice, but I was so frustrated with the way he was treating me. Thankful though, that it was Friday evening and most students that lived in the apartments around us weren't home or busy with partying, the music in theirs drenching out the noise in ours.   
“The point is that you’re in love with him!” Chris shouted back and it was as if time slowed down between us, going in slow motion as my heart clenched and breath hitched. Brows furrowing with confusion to the strong words.   
“I’m… not” I said but it sounded more like a question and Chris inhaled deeply and looked up at the ceiling, face scrunched up when tears formed in his eyes. He swiped them away with the back of his hand in an angry motion before they fell, and my heart broke to see him that way. But I didn’t dare to reach out for him. Not this time.  
“You are. You have been since he started to change last summer. God knows how many years you’ve loved him. Maybe since you felt the way he kicked against your hand that hot summers day nineteen years ago? Loved him like a brother, as a friend. But I’m not blind. He’s hot as fuck. I can see the way you look at him nowadays. You can’t deny that” He chuckled, but it sounded off key and without any joy, “I’m actually impressed with how good you’ve controlled yourself”  
My mouth fell open and I could feel myself fuming as tears splattered from Chris eyes to the floor. My heart hammered so hard in my chest that I was getting tunnel vision, only seeing the person I loved crying his heart out. My voice was calm when I spoke again, I forced it to. But it was still constricted from my heavy heart, “Stop it with the hurtful. fucking. words, Christopher. You have no idea what’s it’s like to grow up with a person attached to your hip. To be able to feel every emotion he feels, to always see everything he sees through his eyes. To never be your own person because every action I’ve ever done, every little thing I still do, always creates a ripple effect that is carried over to him. Don’t pretend that you know every little thing about me and don’t tell me how I feel. I’m sick and tired of never being able to do so on my own” I clenched my jaw, my voice shaking.  
“Oh, so it’s on me now, huh? It’s my fault that our relationship is getting fucked up? Because I am my own fucking person? Fuck you”  
He shook his head with disgust, and I closed the gap between us, shoved him lightly, because even though I was absolutely furious with him, I didn’t want to hurt him, “No, fuck you Chris. Fuck you for lacking so much empathy that you can’t see past your own needs. Your own-”   
His lips bruised mine when they clashed together. Teeth clanging and I could taste blood but didn’t know who it came from. He pushed me backwards with fast steps and separated us slightly as I fell down on the bed behind me. His kisses were rough and angry. Redding my skin with nibbles and harsh, needy hands and I gasped against him.   
The sudden urgency in his actions and my riled-up body was a dangerous combination and I didn’t try to hold back a moan when he hooked his fingers into the waistline of my pants. Nearly ripped them from my body and I choked on a gasp as he removed my panties as well before pushing a finger deep into me, burying his face between the folds of my cunt in the process and my head fell back while I gripped hard on his hair, earning a rumbling groan that send vibrations through my body when I tugged on it hard. Licking and sucking my clit between his lips, pumping his fingers into me almost painfully. But I didn’t mind as I clenched around him, desperate to feel something thicker than fingers inside me. He came up for air the second I started moving against him, chin wet and eyes blown out and added another finger to pump into me while my own fingers quickly pressed down on my clit. Curled his fingers up, grinned when I gasped loudly as pleasure made my skin prickle and I tugged on his arm to come closer. Raised my legs to lock around his waist and a soft groan erupted from his lips when he grinded his clothed cock against my inner thigh with slow thrusts. Tears dimmed my vision when my emotions came thundering down on me, the anxiety from the fight, the confusion in my mind and the arousal burning between my legs. I tugged on his pants and a gasp left his lips as he pulled them down to his midthigh, separated my legs further with a flick of his wrist and entered me without a word. I cursed under my breath, head falling back as he raised my sweater up above my boobs to get a proper look of my body. Fingers closing around my throat while he pounded into me and my eyes rolled back when the distant hint of my best friend’s scent on the fabric filled my senses.   
-  
“Oh, hi noona, are you here to see Felix?” Jeongin asked, voice wavering slightly and the smile on his lips seemed plastered there and not at all like the genuine one he usually gave me.   
“Yeah, is he here?” I asked and looked around me in the common room of the rather big dormitory.  
“He is here” He continued, eyes flickering like he would rather do anything in the world than talk to me at the moment and I tilted my head, confused with the strange reaction.  
“Where?” I asked and watched as he took a small step backwards, slowly removing himself from the conversation.  
“He… is busy”   
“Busy?” I repeated, even more confused.  
Jeongin’s smile faltered and he scurried off before I could ask him what he meant. I guess that he was in his room and walked there instead. Some guys looked up at me, confused and I felt misplaced, like everyone saw me for the first time, even though I’d been in the dormitory so many times that I knew it as well as the boys that lived there. I reached Felix door and was just about to knock when I understood what Jeongin had meant with ‘busy’   
There was no mistake the noises inside it, faint but still very much there if you paused and properly listened, and I stopped myself mid motion. Felt how my body heated up slightly as a sort of fight and flight feeling kicked in and the small snack that I’d eaten just prior to coming did an uncomfortable turn in my stomach. I had been close with walking in on him before, but somehow this time, it was different. Blame it on the heated emotions the last few days, the thoughts that swivelled in my head like a ruthless hurricane, sucking in every emotion I had and blowing it up ten folds, creating chaos on its way through my mind.   
His moans were deep, guttural and I swallowed hard when I clenched my fist as the girl he was fucking responded with a whiny gasp. Clenched my jaw to the slight sound of skin slapping against skin and felt my cheeks flush. My heart flipped again and I sighed heavily as I picked myself up, walked back down the stairs and through the common room again, met Jeongin’s eyes again from across the room and said between clenched teeth, “Tell him to call me whenever he’s finished” and stormed out without another word, only hoping that he’d heard me.  
My heart heavy as I sat in my car again, my vision blurring as tears filled them.   
Blurring the beautiful day outside and the take-away boxes for two that I had in my passenger seat.   
  



	4. A cup of coffee

“So, I came to visit you yesterday, but you were…uh… occupied”   
Felix rolled his eyes and bit his tongue, a look of disbelief on his face while he tried to hide the embarrassed smile that tugged on his lips,  
“So that’s what Jeongin meant when he mentioned that I probably shouldn’t try to contact you”  
My brows furrowed in confusion, “No, that’s exactly the opposite of what I said”  
He shrugged and pursed his lips, watching his feet instead, “Maybe he misunderstood”  
‘Or maybe he saw the look I had on my face and decided that I needed a breather before I saw my best friend again’ I thought and was suddenly glad that the younger had taken the decision to not listen to me.  
It was sunny today too and we sat on a picnic blanket in a park, snacks spread out around us. Weather still warm but the big tree above us had started to change from luscious green to bright yellow and I pulled my light jacket closer around my body as a gust of wind blew through it.   
“Well, was it something you wanted?” Felix asked, ears slightly red from the confession that I’d heard things yesterday, that he probably wanted to keep private and I paused. Picked on the grass just beside the edge of the blanket to collect my thoughts.  
There were so many things that I wanted to ask. Why? How did the two of you meet? Was she just a random encounter? Was it good? Did she spend the night? Did she sleep next to you like I usually do? Did she held onto you as you pressed kisses on her body? Did you close your eyes the moment you entered her? Did you think of me when you came? Because you feel the change of air between us as well? Could you even guess that you’d been in my thoughts as my body shuddered from the little death, way, way too many times these past days?  
I sat up more properly, legs folded underneath me in a lotus position and sighed out an exhale, fiddling with my fingernails instead, “Nothing really, I just wanted to spend time with you, that’s all” I said with a small smile and he met my eyes from underneath his fringe, one eyebrow raised as he heard the tone in my voice and I quickly looked away again but knew that I’d been busted the second he opened his mouth again.  
“What are you not telling me?” He asked, softly and reached out to touch my hand but paused his movements when I flinched slightly from his touch, and the small inhale of surprise that left his lips only made me hang my head lower. I had never, _ever_ flinched away from him, and I could see in my peripheral that his eyes searched for mine when he paused for a few seconds before he scooted closer, slowly, like he was approaching an injured animal. Reached out again, carefully this time and half expected that I’d flinch again; thankful that I didn’t though and interlaced our fingers. His other hand moved back my hair from my neck in an innocent gesture since it partly covered my face, and the gulp that followed when he saw of the marks that I knew were there made my heart flip uncomfortably in my chest. I didn’t protest when he slipped his fingers into the neckline of my shirt. Only chewed nervously on the inside of my cheek when I felt his touch on the red indents of fingertips, some new and some that had turned into bruises over the last few days. I refused to meet his eyes when he checked the other side and confirmed to himself with a hum that a similar mark were there as well. His body tensed up as he swallowed hard, and I took a deep breath, not realizing that I’d held it when he touched me.  
“Good or bad?” His voice was strained, and I sighed deeply,  
“Both”  
“Both?” His voice dropped an octave and I flinched at the annoyed tone in it. I squeezed the hand that still held mine to reassure him and shook my head, stroking over the lines on his thumb while I cleared my throat.  
“We’ve fought and fucked basically every day. I don’t know if we’re ever going to be able to bounce back to the way we used to be… I mean- If there was ever a time like that… I-” Felix scooted closer, our knees bumping together when he placed my hair behind my ear and I sighed again, my breath hitching slightly as the feeling of content sent a rush of happiness through my body from his touch. So gentle that I wanted to cry.   
“He is… obsessed with the thought that I have… feelings for you” I mumbled and felt how Felix froze beside me. The skin on my hands tickled when his fingers twitched in mine and I feared for a moment that he’d let me go and just walk away because of the weirdness of the situation.  
“That’s a bit strange” He said with a small tilt of his head, eyes watching our interlaced fingers with the same sudden interest as I.  
“I know, right? I’ve spent, well, all your life with you and now, for the first time ever, you’re not going to be there anymore. It’s not that tough to understand that I want to spend time with you then, right? And because of that, because I choose to spend so much time with you… he is jealous. Feels left out. Paranoid that I’m sneaking behind his back” I cleared my throat and Felix just nodded back, a bit stiff and I felt my heart drop. He was uncomfortable with the situation and I didn’t blame him.   
“Sorry, that was my TMI for the day… who uh-” I cleared my throat again, more pronounced this time to lighten up the situation and finally looked up again, anxiously chewed on my lower lip and watched when he did the exact same thing. Copying my movements like I sat in front of a mirror, his legs folded as well, holding his body in the same position as I did, with his right hand holding my left, my right hand resting on my right knee, his vice versa, and the image, the realization, struck my heart and made me fall out of balance for a second.   
“A girl from my class. We’ve never talked. Barely even seen each other and before I know it, I’m pressed up against a wall after dance practise, pushed into a janitor’s locker and gets my life sucked outta my dick”  
I hold back a laugh, and his cheeks flush pink while he rolls his eyes again, ashamed of the words that just slipped out of his mouth, and pressed the back of his hand, that wasn’t occupied, on the heated area, like the motion would force the heat away. My heart felt heavy at the bottom of my stomach when I imagined the process of someone else giving him everything that I wanted to do, but I couldn’t help the small giggle that bubbled out from my chest anyway. Because Felix smile was so great that his eyes were like two crescent moons over a sea of freckled stars.   
-  
It was a calm day, rain smattering the window facing the bar and I sighed deeply while I looked out before glancing at the digital clock in the corner of the cash register screen, catching my boss’s eyes when I looked back up. A small embarrassed blush on my cheeks when I realised that she’d seen that I checked how much time I still had until closing “How are you feeling?” She asked as I picked up a cloth, wet it with water and began cleaning the work area under the rows of syrup and sweet sauces to buy time. She was a gentle woman in her mid-forties, with the same passion for coffee and personal connection with our patrons that I had and we kind of clicked when I did my appliance interview nearly 6 years ago. She was fond of me, often referred to me as her daughter since she didn’t have any of her own, only a gang of three boys in middle and high school.  
I paused for a second when her question threw me out of balance. I was used to being asked deep questions and often talked to her when something bothered me since my parents lived in a few towns over and I so rarely met them nowadays. She did, however, usually asked me questions when we were alone. I couldn’t help but notice a slightly intrusive patron nearby, acting like they weren’t curious at all by my answer and I wet my lips, a bit nervous. Hesitated and pondered if I wanted to tell her the whole truth.  
“I uh… I’m fine… it’s… tough with, you know what” I answered as vaguely as possible and the snooping patron pursed their lips, looking almost disappointed when she answered with, “I know”   
I had told her nearly everything months ago, from the fact that Felix would be going away to my confusing feelings and she’d just placed a hand on my shoulder when I asked her what I should do. Just like she did now as well, “You’ll know what to do when you stand at the airport with the two of them. First then, you’ll be able to make a decision with who you want to stay with”  
I’d smiled at her then, knowing that I couldn’t leave my home, my work, to follow my best friend. But she’d only smiled back, talking as if she could read my thoughts.  
“I’ll support you no matter what. You will always have work here and if you need economical support if you decide to go-” I protested loudly, making a few patrons look up with surprised expressions but she only shook her head to silence me, “I say that as a friend and a mother. I might not have been there all of your life, but you truly are a treasure, my daughter. I will always be there for you”  
-  
“Would you ever want to get children?”   
“That’s an interesting question from a 19-year-old, do you have a little something to confess?” I asked and gave Felix a wink.   
He looked away quickly, a small smile tugging on his lips.  
“No, I-”  
He lost his thoughts to the pouring rain outside instead. The same kind of weather we’ve had for the last couple of days. The smell of coffee and sweets laid heavy in the air. We were at one of the bigger and busier cafés in town and new patrons constantly entered, huffing and shivering from the bad weather as they brushed off their shoes on the carpet at the entrance way before making their way to the cashier. The queue was long, and I felt a bit bad for the new girl that was taking the payments. Her voice stammered slightly when an older man demanded that he should get a lower price since he’d been waiting for so long. I turned away from the scene, a bit agitated just as a person that looked like the manager stormed up to the queue.  
“I just… I was curious, since-” Felix was stalling, fingers tapping on the mug of hot chocolate in his hands.   
“Are you calling me old?” I asked with fake annoyance and he smiled before sticking out his tongue. Squinting his eyes at me like a four-year-old,  
“No. It’s just- just a question”  
I sighed. Looked away again as I pondered on the question for a few minutes. Chris had talked about children about a week ago and I must say that it was the first time I’d been really thinking about it. I was nearing my mid-20s. A few people that I knew, mostly over social media, had kids already and I knew that the years passed quickly after reaching 25. That’s what I’d been warned about at least.   
I wanted children. I knew that. Knew that there was no better time than now too. I had a man I trusted. Despite the struggles we’d gone through this week, I still loved him to bits. I had a home. An income. Chris would be finished with his studies in spring next year and pretty much locked in a secure job since he collaborated with a company that had expressed their interest for him to start working fulltime and not just as an apprentice, as soon as he was done with uni. We could literally get me pregnant right now and the child would be born into a secure and safe environment. With two parents that would love them.   
I tried to imagine it . Me, Chris and a baby. Us walking around the park next summer with a carriage stroller. Us nurturing, feeding and raising a child. Us living as a family for the rest of our lives. It worked, the fantasy of it being reality. Worked until every picture of that perfect future family was changed and it wasn’t Chris that imagined, but instead the best friend that sat in front of me. Felix standing behind me, his hands over mine on the swell of my belly, swaying softly together to indie music in a whole other apartment. Felix that walked through a park with me, that bright smile on his lips as we held around each other’s waist with one arm and pulled the carriage stroller forward with the other. A kid that we raised with his eyes. His curly brown hair. His smile. His freckles.  
I swallowed hard. Crossed my arms over my chest, almost in a self-hug. Felt how my stomach twisted and turned so hard I almost felt sick. Refused to meet my best friend’s eyes.  
“I’m sorry. I know that you and Chris have had problems this week. I shouldn’t have said anything”   
I saw the regret in his eyes. In the way his lips pressed into a thin line. In the way his whole face fell, and he slumped a little in his chair and I couldn’t help but to reach out. Felt how my heart caught fire when I interlaced our fingers.   
“Someday. I know that for sure” I smiled, and he sighed deeply while looking down at the place where our bodies, and souls, connected.  
“I’m already jealous of the man that will share that experience with you” He muttered, sounding like he hoped I didn’t hear but could keep it inside of him either and I felt my breath hitch in my throat. Almost hoping that I’d heard wrong because it would hurt less that way.  
-  
I was free from work the following day and took the opportunity to do laundry and clean around the house since Chris would be at school the whole day, and then spend some extra hours in the studio. I had headphones in, not even changed out of my sleeping clothes and my damp thighs rubbed together in the way too short soft gym shorts I wore. A tee that I’d stolen from Felix about two years ago shielded my upper body, washed out and accidently in a temperature way too high a few months ago. Just long enough to barely cover my stomach. Sweaty from aggressively vacuum cleaning spots of food and drink in our sofa and the rug underneath, cursing our gang of rowdy friends while dancing along with the music that played loudly in my ears.   
I was in the middle of cleaning underneath the kitchen table when I felt the floor underneath me rattle as a door closed and turned around towards the hallway with a bright smile, fully expecting Chris to stand there. But froze with surprise when I recognized the person to be someone else entirely. He was screaming at me and I took out my headphones and turned off the vacuum cleaner to be able to hear.  
“What?” I asked and Felix excessively rolled his eyes with keys in his hand. Stumbled slightly when he hurriedly took off his shoes in the corridor that connected the rooms in the apartment, and I tilted my head in confusion when he rattled the key ring as he walked.  
“I was 10 seconds from calling the police when I remembered that I had a spare key”  
He paused a little as he got closer, glancing down with eyebrows raised, as if he first now realised what I was wearing, and my breath hitched when I realized how I must look. With my hair in a messy (“messy” as in messy, not movie, “perfect” messy) with way too revealing clothes and sweat covering me like a thin sheet. Thanking my lucky star that I at least put on deodorant before I pulled out the vacuum cleaner, felt how my face heated up, and looked away when he swallowed hard. I let a few seconds pass but felt him staring still, probably thinking that I looked as ridiculous as I felt and I awkwardly scratched the back of my head while clearing my throat.  
“Why were you going to call the police?” I asked and he looked up to meet my eyes again, a wrinkle between his brows as he looked confused for a second, wondering what I was talking about.  
“Oh, I’ve been trying to call you for the past hour and when you didn’t reply I got worried, which only elevated when I knocked on the door-”  
“and I didn’t answer… because my phone is charging in the bedroom…” I fished out the ancient mp3 player I’d stuck into my bra, “Sorry” I finished, and he nodded again, brows raised, and lips pressed together with a mixture of annoyance and amusement.   
“So, you tried calling me to tell me…?  
“I just wanted to grab a coffee, or well, a hot chocolate- whatever you feel like”   
He seemed nervous, constantly flicking his eyes between mine and my clothes and I wanted to hide, so ashamed that we were still talking with me looking like a complete wreck,  
“Is that my shirt?” He asked all of a sudden with a tilt of his head and I pursed my lips as my fingers hooked around the hem of it and I pulled, looking down, as if I was surprised to what I was wearing while he glanced at my boobs and the way that I’d just made them even more pronounced with the action.   
“It is… What are you going to do about it?” I asked with a teasing voice and maybe, just maybe, wanted him to start fighting over it. To try and take it off me and that things would just escalate after that. Maybe, just maybe, he saw the way my eyes clouded over, but mistook the squinting teasing for anger and decided that it wasn’t worth fighting over it.  
“From the looks of it, I’ve outgrown it. So, you can keep it. I just wished I’d known, I always wondered where it went.   
“Sorry” I flinched slightly but he just shook his head. Hands twitching slightly before he crossed his arms over his chest, “I… uh- gimme a few minutes. I just need to rinse off” I said, and he just nodded when I brushed past him and into the bathroom.  
  



	5. Pandora's box

Friday. A week since I fought with Chris for the first time and spend the night at Felix. We were still angry, frustrated with each other. But he loved me, I knew that and in the bottom of his heart, he knew that I loved him too. Knew that the five years we’ve spent together haven't been fake. That we could push through this, even if it was tough right now.   
We were at our place again, like we usually were, simply because we lived in the middle of our group of friends and there was a bus stop right outside our apartment complex. We’d just started drinking, or well, most of them had. I was one ahead though, my heart skipping from the thought of having my boyfriend and best friend in the same room again and nervously gulped down a glass of wine before Hyunjin, Jisung and Minho stumbled through or front door. I’d looked behind them, expecting more people to come through the door but Jeongin, Changbin, Woojin and Seungmin had to stay home and study for upcoming essays and I pouted when Jisung told me.   
I’d wanted to pull the youngest in the group aside to thank him for the other day when he decided to tell a white lie and probably save the friendship with my best friend, but I guess that could wait for another time. Said best friend arrived just a few minutes later, dressed in a white dress shirt with three quarter sleeves, matching black dress pants, one dangly silver earring in his left ear and I quickly closed my mouth as it fell open when I opened the door to greet him. He still saw the reaction though, eyes quick to pick up the barely three second change of my expression and knowing exactly what it meant. Tilted his head as he hung his jacket, a smirk playing on his lips before he placed his arms around me, pulling me closer in a tight hug.  
“Thank you, you look amazing as well”   
I snorted out a laugh, closed my eyes as the familiar scent of his cologne filled my senses and almost immediately felt how the anxiousness that I’d been carrying all day melted away. How I finally felt at home, better than I did between the walls I lived.   
“Hi” Chris voice was heavy. Followed by an even heavier sigh and Felix quickly let me go, looked past me, still with one arm around me and I could see how his jaw clenched when he met the other’s eyes,  
“Hi, Chris” He answered, and I took a step back, placing myself between them,  
“For the sake of everyone else, let’s play it cool… ok?” I begged and looked at them both.  
“I won’t start anything” Felix answered, still with his eyes locked with Chris as the older answered with a small shrug,  
“I’m cool”  
I sighed. Reached out for my best friend first and he grabbed my hand before he broke the gaze between the two of them, met my eyes instead and I couldn’t help but reciprocate when he gave me a soft smile that crinkled the corners of his eyes. I reached out my other hand to Chris and he looked between the two of us before he took it, pain hidden behind his eyes when he looked away again. Felix's eyes flicked from Chris to the place where our bodies connected and his brows furrowed, upper lip curling, just for a second and I wondered if he felt disgust, knowing that the hand holding mine had been placed around my throat numerous times since the two of them last met a week ago. That it was that hand that cut off my air supply and caused faded marks on the dips over my collarbones. I didn’t have time to wonder anymore though as I led them into the living room where the energy was already on top, even though we were a smaller group than normal.   
….  
“I know, let’s play Pandora’s box!”   
It was about an hour later and all of us were fairly tipsy. Hyunjin was giggling through the entire sentence and the rest of us looked at him, a bit confused as to what he meant, “We have a box, or a bowl or whatever, it doesn’t really matter and then we write things, a few each since we are so few, and put it in the box. It could be anything really, but aimed at someone specifically and then that person has to do what the note says”  
“So, a more anonymous version of truth or dare, and the person who gets picked can’t choose?” I asked and Hyunjin nods, grinning from ear to ear like he was holding onto way too many secrets for this game to be comfortable.   
“Let’s do it!” Jisung shouted, already hyped and the rest of the group agreed.   
I felt nervous but still stood up to go and fetch a shoebox from my wardrobe since it was the only sort of box we owned, took out the shoes that were inside and went back to the group while Chris handled our paper and pen to everyone. We took a few minutes to write down some questions and Minho snickered evilly from across the room which earned a surprise reaction from some of us when we looked up, not expecting something like than from him.  
“Ah, I’m a bit worried now” Jisung complained while he scribbled down something of his own.   
“Everybody ready?” Chris asked and was met by several “Yes” just as he placed his own notes in the shoebox.  
We sat down in a circle around the living room table and I changed the upbeat music to something slower, to bring down the tempo. Chris handled the box to Hyunjin, and he looked surprised that his hyung gave him the reins, but only for a second though before he closed his hands around the cardboard edges and placed it in his lap, “Ya’ll ready?” He shouted out, smiling from ear to ear again, excited that we all wanted to play along with his game, “Ok, first one. Jisungie, do you love me?”   
We all looked over at the munchkin boy just as he took a sip of his drink and he looked back just as confused, “I guess so? I dunno who-” Minho looked away, just as Jisung eyes swept over him, cheeks flushing slightly, “Of course I love you” The younger of the two said when he realized who had written the note and fluttered his eyelashes at him while the rest of us burst out in laughter.   
“Ok, you’re supposed to ask tougher questions like that, but I guess you get the point… Ah, this one is for me” Hyunjin read it silently for himself first and then rolled his eyes, “Hyunjinnie. If you were forced to date someone in this room, who’s it be and why? Noona is excluded because she’s the only girl” Hyunjin pursed his lips in thought, eyes squinting as he tried to figure out both who’d written the note and who he’d pick, “I’d chose Chris”   
“Me?” Chris asked and pointed at himself, clearly surprised”   
“Yeah, you have an income, you are smart, you have an apartment, I’ve seen the way you kiss noona and she’s not exactly quiet when the two of you fuck, so you must be doing something right” Hyunjin counted up the profits on his fingers with a small teasing smile on his lips and I felt my whole body become warm as I flustered from embarrassment. Felix squirmed in his seat slightly, barely noticeable and my eyes flicked over to him, a bit confused, but he didn’t meet my eyes.  
“What about noona, where would she live?” Minho laughed and Hyunjin shrugged,   
“She’ll be fine. It’s not like she’d be lonely”   
Chris hand on my thigh gripped me harder when everyone’s eyes lingered on Felix for a moment and Hyunjin cleared his throat to break the suddenly tense atmosphere in the room. He continued to read the questions, dared Minho to call his mother and only talk in English (it failed terribly since she immediately recognized his voice and scolded him for waking her up) dared Chris to stare into Hyunjin’s eyes for ten seconds and tell him that he loved him without breaking eye contact or laugh (it failed as well, even though they tried four times) asked Felix to tell everyone the truth if he ever doubted mine and his friendship to which he simply answered “No” and just left it at that, refusing to say anything more since it didn’t say so on the note. So far, everything had been sweet, fun and mildly pg-13. That quickly changed though when Hyunjin picked up the next note and laughed loudly, “I’d suck dick for 122,000 won”   
“Would you?” Minho looked at him, a mixed expression on his face and laughter bounced off the walls,   
“It’s a three, two, one question” Hyunjin quickly added, a bit flustered and I giggled and took another sip as I raised my hand on the “One” before bursting out in laughter when I realized that all of us had our hand up in the air.  
“Wow, that’s sad. We’re all a bunch of poor hoes” Jisung muttered and we all snorted out a small chuckle.   
“Ok, next one. Noona, would you be into buttstuff if you tried it?” Hyunjin avoided my eyes, slowly folded the note twice and placed it in the pile with the rest of the read notes. Curious eyes watched me as shrugged,  
“Maybe I tried it already and maybe it was completely fine” I answered and was met by a long whistle from Jisung,   
“Lucky man, Chris”   
He was met by finger guns from the older at my left and I rolled my eyes while Hyunjin continued, “Felix, if noona wouldn’t be in a relationship, do you think that the two of you would be a couple by now?”  
The men beside me froze as they both looked over at me and I met Felix eyes. The conflicted hurt in them. The way that his tongue flicked out to nervously wet his lips. The way his knuckles whitened as he held onto the bottle hard. The way his cheeks flushed as his eyes flicked behind me to meet Chris for a few seconds before he looked over at me again, “No, I don’t think so. I definitely would’ve made a move on her though. Probably around spring this year when I got more confident with myself. She would've said no though, most likely.  
Silence fell upon us and Hyunjin was just about to open his mouth to ask a follow-up question when I interrupted him,   
“Next question?”  
He cleared his throat, scrambled around in the box, pulled up one and read, “I’d give my kidney to the person to my right! Three, two, one”  
All of us had our hand up except for Hyunjin himself and Jisung shoved him with playful anger, “What do you mean no, why wouldn’t you?” He asked and the older of the two looked at him dumbfounded,   
“I don’t think we have the same blood type”  
“We do, asshole” Jisung hit him on the shoulder as laughter roared between us again.   
Two more rounds of both innocent and more mature questions circled before Hyunjin, clearly drunk by now, laughed loudly at the next one. Eyes smily and squinting and the first two buttons of his dress shirt undone, “I’m going to attack the person that wrote this with a big, fluffy hug. Noona, who’s the better kisser. Chris or Felix?”   
I flinched at the unexpected question, felt myself flush, both from the alcohol and the way Felix breath hitched at my right. Looked over at Chris, who clearly was on the verge of having had too much to drink, to look for… any sort of discomfort to the question. But he only shrugged, and I didn’t know if I should feel relieved or hurt that he didn’t seem to care.   
Glanced at Felix to see if it seemed like he’d flat out refuse to go through with the question, but he avoided my eyes and I felt my heart flip hard in my chest.  
I started with my boyfriend, to calm my nerves a little. I had stopped drinking as soon as I felt myself standing on the edge of being too drunk, but still stumbled a little as I stood up, bend over and both Hyunjin and Jisung leaned over to the side to see properly as Chris cupped my face and leaned in, like he’d done a thousand times before. Eyes fluttering close as he smirked against my lips and I fell into the taste of him, the familiarity of his cupids bow against mine. The way he knew his way around my mouth had me gasping within seconds.   
The boys on the couch groaned lightly to the softcore porn that played out before them when Chris buried his fingers in the length of my hair and pulled on it harshly as he licked his way into my mouth. I separated us the second I felt that he started yearning for more and flashed him a smile when he whined to the loss. Pouted and crossed his arms over his chest when I turned to the audience, took a sip of my drink to make the taste of Chris disappear and then shifted my attention to my best friend.   
I was thankful that he’d placed his drink on the floor, unsure if the bottle would’ve been broken by now because he’d been gripping it so hard earlier. Gave him a look, a silent question if he was ok with what was going to happen, and he swallowed hard. Eyes hooded and slightly blown out from the alcohol flowing in his system and he licked along his bottom lip, nervously as I closed the distance between us with two steps. Unexpectedly stood up as well, scraping the chair against the floor when he did so, and my heart jumped in my chest as he closed the last few decimetres. Carefully placed his right arm around my waist to press my body closer and I quickly glanced at Chris over my shoulder. His face was illuminated by the blue whiteness of his phone screen, avoiding the scene altogether.  
“Noona” Felix's voice was low and the slightly constricted, husky tone in it, had my stomach doing somersaults.   
“Felix?” I asked back and he smiled softly, as I placed my right hand around him as well. Felt the lean muscles on his back twitch underneath my fingertips and like so many times before, our movements matched as we raised our other hand at the same time and cupped each other’s cheeks, like a mirrored image.   
“Are you sure?” He asked and I shivered from the heat of his breath as it ghosted over my face.   
I didn’t answer. The sick part of me that wanted him so much it nearly physically hurt me, couldn’t wait anymore and I closed my eyes as I leaned forward. Heart flipping in my chest and stomach turning so much that I choked on my breath when his lips pressed onto mine. A soft sigh escaped into the air between us when he quickly deepened it, not even pausing to let me breathe before he coaxed my lips open with a tilt of his head, tongue sneaking out to meet mine and it was easy, simple, given.   
Like anything else between us.   
Like I’d been kissing him for years. Knew exactly how to meet every hungry motion against me. Every eager brush of his body. A gasp escaped my lips when his hands tugged on my hair, but unlike Chris, he was careful, fingers playing with the roots behind my ear as his thumb fondly stroked down my cheek. He tasted sugary sweet from the drink he’d been drinking, and I couldn’t help but whine softly to the taste as I melted to putty in his hands, revelling in the feeling as he pressed his body closer against me. The body I was so used to, knowing it almost as well as I knew my own. Groaned as he arched my back in his need for more, an arm still locked around my waist to hold me up.   
I could feel my arousal burn between my legs. Clenched around nothing when that dark voice of his gasped out a small “Noona” underneath his breath, silent enough that I was the only one who heard. Combed through the soft, lilac hair of his. Felt it ripple between my fingers as the kiss grew sloppy when I tugged at it in the back of his head. My breath hitched when I felt the effect that my insatiable greed for more had on him. The feeling of his half hard cock against my thigh got me lightheaded and I could feel my eyes roll back as I completely submitted to his need when the hand that had been cupping my face scraped my scalp before he tugged on my hair harder, to make me crane my neck backwards, as if he wanted to disappear within me.   
Got drunk on the wet sounds of tongues, lips and careful nibbles that were exchanged between us and couldn’t help but rub my thighs together. Indulged in the burn of ferocious hunger as it clouded my senses and I was pretty sure I’d let him fuck me right there and then, on the floor with our group of friends surrounding us if it weren’t for a loud cough to my right. I paused as the sound send me back to earth like a slap to the face and quickly took a step back, almost causing Felix to fall forward, a thin string of saliva breaking between us and wet my chin as I meet Chris eyes. He didn’t look disappointed, not even angry with the way things clearly went over the line. Just tired, exhausted really and I looked back at Felix, who wiped away at his own chin. Eyes so dark I had to swallow hard to keep a gasp from slipping out.   
I then turned to the boys in the couch, all three of them leaning forward, mouth open and eyes blown out from the scene that had happened. Hyunjin actually slurped to swallow the drool that had collected in his mouth just as Jisung cleared his throat loudly,   
“So… you guys wanna have a circle jerk?” He looked over at Hyunjin first, who still stared at us, squirming in his seat while he swallowed hard again. Then to Minho who only gave him a look, brows furrowed while slowly shaking his head, “No? Ok, then” He swallowed hard as well while grabbing a pillow at his side and quickly pressed it against his crotch before leaning back against the sofa, a wrinkle between his brows from the uncomfortable tightness in his pants.  
….  
My heart thumped hard in my chest when Chris closed the front door after saying goodbye another hour later and I watched my feet. Too scared to meet his eyes after what had happened. But he didn’t say anything. Just went to the bathroom, muttering curse words aimed at our horny group of friends while brushing his teeth and I still stood where I was, unsure if I should just spare him the words and pack a bag so I could catch up with Felix before he jumped on the bus.   
“Why are you still standing there?” Chris asked and I met his eyes, confused at the tone of his voice.  
“You… you’re not gonna…” I stammered and he shook his head.   
“You didn’t answer the question Hyunjin asked earlier, you know” He steered off my question and motioned for me to come with him to the bedroom, stifling a yawn behind his hand.  
I looked at him, puzzled and he laid down on his side bed, patted for me to lie down as well.  
“You didn’t say who was the better kisser” Chris said, a lopsided smirk still playing on his lips and I realised that he was still slightly tipsy.   
That was probably why he wasn’t angry with me at the moment.  
“It’s a secret” I answered while he reached out to trace his fingertips over the curve of my body as I laid on my side, facing him,   
“You can tell me” He whispered back, and I shook my head,  
“But then it’s not a secret”   
“Ah, right” He chuckled, “But it was me, right?” and I swallowed hard before I smiled back, an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach and I suddenly wished that I wasn’t where I was.   
That I didn’t need to take any of Chris jealousy. That I didn’t have to feel every fibre in my body screaming out that the person I really wanted to spend time with probably sat on a bus back to his dorm by now. That there even was a rather large chance he’d call that girl to help him take care of the problem that I knew still burned through his bloodstream.  
“Babe. You know I love you right?” Something affectionate and almost weak suddenly clouded Chris voice and it brought me back from my train of thought as he looked over at me with a slight pout on his lips. Eyes still dazed from the alcohol that still streamed through his body, “I know I’m an asshole. That I get crazy because I want to be the only one for you. I really am sorry” His voice broke as he grabbed my hand, pressed a kiss against my knuckles, and I could feel my heart breaking.   
Guilt slashed painfully through me as I watched him. My brows furrowing as I questioned myself; what was I doing? Daydreaming about a boy that will never love me back in the way I wanted him? Longing for my best friend in ways that wasn’t normal. Hungering for a different touch than the one he usually gave me. The sick feeling in my stomach spread and I sat up slightly, scared that I’d actually puke all over the bed.   
“I just can’t lose you” Chris moved over to me as I sat up, chasing after my body to seek comfort, “I know that you can easily be fine without me. But you have always been the one, the only one for me. I love you, I love you so much… Fuck” He cursed under his breath and I heard how his breath hitched while he buried his face into my hand, tears wetting the cracks between my fingers and I flinched before I scooted closer to him, cradled him in my arms as he sobbed.   
I felt bad. He could be an asshole, a jealous one too sometimes but that only made him human and I knew that I couldn’t really be one to judge when my sins were even heavier than his.  
His lips found mine and I tasted the salt of his tears on his cupids bow. Voice breaking again when he let out a rumbling moan, moving so that he was on top of me instead and I leaned back against the bed, closed my legs around his waist and brought him in closer when he deepened the kiss.   
“I want you to forget about him. Want to be the only one to kiss you until we’re old and grey. Want to erase the thought, the way he kissed you earlier. The way you sounded” He whispered over my skin as his kisses travelled from my lips down my throat, nibbling on the sensitive area just below my ear. Thrusted hard and slow against my clothed cunt and I gasped softly between clenched teeth as he carefully rid up my shirt, fingers drumming on my stomach while he leaned back to meet my eyes and I swallowed hard when I saw my own reflection in them.  
“I love you babe. Love your body” He placed a small kiss between my rib cages, “Love your laugh” He nibbled over the thin skin over the bones that hid my vitals and I giggled on que from the ticklish feeling, “Love every part of you” He unbuckled my belt, and I raised my hips so he could slide my pants over my butt and thighs before throwing it aside.   
A small gasp escaped his lips as he pressed the next kisses on my inner thighs and I groaned softly as I closed my eyes, fingers automatically buried in his hair.  
“No. I- I want you to watch babe. I need to make sure that you only think of me” Chris voice was low, husky, demanding and I let go of him to raise myself up on my elbows and watch as he slid my panties down as well. A moan rumbling in his chest from the wetness that soaked them, both from earlier and right now.   
A soft hand separated my thighs, “There we go, ah fuck babe. You’re so pretty” He inhaled sharply and didn’t waste a second before laying his tongue flat over my cunt, lapping up the juices with a low hum of content. Two fingers entering me swiftly and I was a gasping mess within seconds. He knew exactly which buttons to press at which time and it took my breath away completely.   
It didn’t take long, a swift flick of his wrist, a low hum that send vibrations through my body, a careful nibble on my clit with his lips, his fingertips pressed up on the right spot and I was gone. The pent up need I’d had in my system had been going on overdrive for way to long.   
I motioned for him to get up, still high from the orgasm, used to the way he worked by now, but he strained against my touch, “No, this was just the first. I need you to come so many times you’ll forget his name. That you’ll forget about him completely. I want you to scream my name. Eyes on me”  
I nodded and choked on my breath when he went in for another taste.


	6. What are we?

“Hi”  
“Hi” Felix had barely opened the door to his room, and I feared for a moment that he wasn’t alone. A change of my expression when I glanced behind him and it was all he needed to open it fully.   
“I’m alone. If that’s what you’re wondering. I wouldn’t answer the door if I wasn’t” He stepped aside to let me in and I didn’t comment on the fact that it was clear that someone _had_ been in there, even if they weren’t anymore.   
“Rude” I answered and sat down in the chair at his desk while he sat down on the bed, hands folded in his knees,  
“What? Would you?” He asked, surprised and I shrugged,  
“I’ve answered a phone call from you mid-fucking, so yes”  
He cringed, shook his head with slight disgust, “I didn’t need to know that, but thanks”  
“You’re welcome” I mumbled, awkwardly and fiddled with my fingernails.  
“Can we-” Felix started out, but I immediately shook my head,  
“Nope, we can’t”   
“But I-”   
“Am gonna forget about it”  
“And you-”   
“Will forget about it as well”  
“And Chris-”   
“Is ok”   
We spoke like we usually did, despite the clear tense feeling between us and I just looked at him while he nodded silently afterwards. My heart gushing with anxiety as something, so real that I could almost touch it, changed in the air around us and I sighed deeply. Felt how that unbroken bond between us cracked like fresh ice when you stepped on it, when I flat out refused to talk about the kiss that happened yesterday.   
“So, the two of you-”  
“Are ok. We’ll figure something out. He’s an ass. But he’s my ass, and I love him.   
“I just- don’t wanna see you hurting”  
“Don’t wanna see me hurting, I know”  
We finished the last line at the same time and Felix chuckled softly as I smiled brightly at him. Patted next to him and reached out for me and I was just about to take his hand when I remembered what had happened on the same bed within the last 24 hours. Felt how my smile fell when I realized the fear that I would smell someone else than him or me on his sheets. My eyes flicked and he noticed, of course he did, and a small sigh left his lips while his hand fell back against his side.  
“Sorry” He said, and I gave him a small smile that didn’t reach my eyes.  
Not knowing why he felt the need to apologize.  
-  
I was alone, sitting on the sofa in my apartment while browsing through the photos in my camera album. A mug of tea in my other hand and I pressed it close to my chest while I listened to the silence that surrounded me. Let the hot beverage fill my stomach and sighed with content to this calm moment of my own. Paused at a photo I had taken off Chris and couldn’t help but to smile a little. It was a bit out of focus, and he sat on a lawn chair among friends. The moment was snap shot a few months ago when the days were warmer and we sat in the back garden of Jisung and Seungmin’s dormitory until the late hours of the night. Just talking around a small bonfire while eating snacks and drinking, holding each other and celebrated summer.   
I chewed on the inside of my lip when I zoomed in on his smiling face, bright and with eyes crinkling while looking over at Woojin, who’d just told a joke. Swiped over to the right and clenched my jaw when the next photo took over the screen. It was a few days later. A hot day as well, with the blazing sun in the background. Felix's eyes were squeezed shut, scrunching his nose with a spoon upside down between his lips. Close enough to the camera that I could count every freckle on his face. Pink strawberry ice cream in the corners of his lips and wearing a big tee that I’d stolen three weeks later. Hair still bleached blonde and I smiled at the memory.  
Cringed at the pain when I felt how much it hurt and swallowed hard.  
I never thought love could be anything like this. The familiarity. The commitment that I felt to the two most important men in my life. The way it felt when I woke up in Felix’s bed one day after spending the night when Chris wanted to hang out with his friends in uni. The way it felt when I woke up in the bed I shared with Chris, because Felix was busy with the last preparations of his trip. The way I couldn’t help but reach out to them both when I woke up first, brushing away the fringe from their foreheads with a gentle touch. Smiling softly when they stirred awake, both with brown eyes, both with smiles on their faces when they saw me and both putting their arm around me and pulling me closer with a satisfied hum. Chris pressed his good morning kiss on my lips and Felix pressed his on my forehead and I felt my heart flutter with happiness both times.   
It felt like I was the main character in a K-drama. But the playful love triangle in some of them was much messier in real life, and even if the series that ran on TV in the small hours of the night always had a romantic aspect in it, despite the angsty drama between the three people, my situation couldn’t be further away from that. It hurt when the emotions, the thoughts of them both and our impossible situation, sliced at my heart, creating tiny nicks that constantly bled, no matter what I did.   
Not to mention how ridiculously much time it swallowed. Just thinking about what I should do. If I wanted to let my best friend go. Maybe even for good. If Chris were right when he'd said that our relationship wasn’t natural. That there should be something separating us, for us to be whole again. Me as me and him as him. That we had to grow up and stop living in a fantasy world where the two of us could be best friends forever, frolicking through a meadow with the sun setting…   
It just wasn’t realistic to keep dreaming like that. I was closing in on my mid 20s while Felix hadn't even reached that number yet… and a part of me felt perverse. Disgusted with myself when I imagined him with me, doing all the things that I desperately craved by now. For us to completely indulge within each other. Got off on just the thought of how good the sex would be with our level of communication. How we'd be able to just become one without any of that awkwardness that usually happens when you slept with someone the first few times. But then I remembered who I was fantasizing about and my whole body froze. Remembered and felt sick to the stomach when I thought back about the way our life had been leading up to today.   
He’d always been smaller than me, always been one you could easily pick on and I had always been like a bigger sister. Always there to make sure that he was ok. But that all changed last summer, and even though I couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment, I guess that something snapped the line of protective feelings I had towards him when I realized that he was older than I thought. That he’d grown up into a young man and I stood, fixated on the sidewalk beside him, watching as he seemed to age even more as the months flew by. How that innocence he always carried with him disappeared in an instance after Christmas when I nearly walked in on him.   
All of a sudden, everything changed, and I hated, _hated_ to admit that he was hot. That he was honestly drop dead gorgeous after his jawline sharpened and the atmosphere around him switched from boy to man over spring and summer.   
I cursed myself daily. Cursed the fact that I felt attracted to the same person I’d seen growing up. That we had to be so close. That he still, now more than ever, glanced over at me while he thought I didn’t see. Not because he felt attracted to me but because I was interesting, simply because I was a woman. I guessed that it was just simpler like that, for him. Rather than staring at the girls in his class, because we always spend so much time together…

And then there was Chris. The man I’ve thought of as the love of my life for the past five years. We began dating for real after he’d turned 19, simply because I felt uncomfortable with going out with someone younger than that. He’d been pressing me for two years though, constantly telling me that he didn’t mind that I was older but I felt dirty, like I was doing something forbidden every time he tried to talk me into sleeping with him and we kept our relationship status as friends; even dated others during that time. Our relationship was comfortable without the need to be together all the time. Out on adventurers throughout the first years of knowing each other and decided to move in together shortly after his 20th birthday. We lived and laughed together. Went on trips. Learned, loved, appreciated each other and the world around us. Promised each other to grow old together, to support each other and even though there wasn’t a physical ring around our fingers, since we both didn’t like the jewellery, there was a silent agree of an engagement. Only time could tell when we both felt that we were ready to actually buy the rings. And the rest is history, basically. We got along well, he was able to make music through university and I was able to work with my biggest passion and together we build a good life. Based on trust and commitment. Both which had never been threatened until now. Until the repressed feelings, the cloudy thoughts and emotions I’d buried deep in my heart flared up when Felix showed me the scholarship he’d received and told me that he’d travel to the other side of the earth.   
And here we were, just a few days until his departure. My heart torn to pieces. Delirium and sentimentality shooting holes through my mind and soul with every passing minute I spend with Felix. Guilt and conflict cracking in my joints with every passing minute I spend with Chris and it felt like I was falling apart. Like I was a ragdoll getting divided by two people, each of them loving me so much it hurt and each of them so important to me that I couldn’t pick one.  
-  
Sure, things felt strange between us now. We were more careful, not consciously as touchy feely as we’d been before, but I refused to let a feeling stop me from spending every waking moment with my best friend as the days passed quicker and quicker. We’d been watching a movie, and I scooted closer to him as the minutes passed, as if my body were drawn to him like a magnet and we both took a shaky inhale of relief when I leaned against him, and he placed his arm around me. Turned me around to face him, let us both fall to the side and I couldn’t help myself from burying my nose in the nape of his neck, stretching out like a content cat to feel his body against mine. Not caring about the movie as I tangled one leg with his before throwing the other over his waist.   
“I hate Hyunjin” Felix whispered, as he sighed deeply and I just hummed in agreement, knowing that he was talking about the stupid pandora’s box dare and the kiss that changed us, “I love you, noona. I don’t want anything to stop those emotions to reach you. Not a stupid dare, or the fact that I won’t be able to see that smile of yours in person for six months”  
“Don’t remind me” I whispered back. Voice slightly muffled from being pressed against his skin and he shivered slightly from my breath against his neck. Felt how badly my heart hurt when I held him tighter and how my body betrayed me as he pressed his against mine. How my heart flipped and the need to push him closer with the leg over his waist increased when I felt the slight dent of his cock in his pants press up against the warmth between my legs. Swore that I could feel his breath hitch in his throat when he felt the same things as I, but the two of us refused to act upon the feeling. Even as my arousal started to burn as he grew harder. Lasting in our comfortable position for as long as we could before I removed my leg and he swallowed hard, tensing up while he held himself back from chasing my heat. His erection poked against my thigh and I suppressed a gasp when he placed a lock of hair behind my ear. Breath ghosting against my lips when I met his dark eyes. A sad smile crinkled them, and I knew exactly how he felt. Even though he probably wouldn’t admit so, himself. Hoped so badly, that I felt ashamed of myself, that he got turned on because _I_ was the one pressing up against him and not because he needed to get off and I was just a familiar body.   
Cursed my own heart when I realized how fucked up our situation really were.   
  



	7. Never have I ever

Thursday evening. Sometime after 9 and we’d just finished dinner. Our place like usual and our whole gang of friends where there. The two girls from my work included. The atmosphere was bright, happy and even though it was a party for Felix, to say goodbye, it didn’t lower the volume of the music, or the fact that we’d already been drinking for a good 40 minutes. Started ridiculous challenges and hyped each other up after getting take-away food in our bellies. Competed with ‘who can drink most under a minute’ or ‘the one that finishes their bottle first wins’ while screams and laughter bounced off the walls and got lost within the music.  
“What’s today’s game? Any suggestions?” Woojin asked and Hyunjin was fast to stand up, not hesitating for a second and swinging the drink in his hand so swiftly it threatened to overflow the brim a few times,   
“I think we should play ‘never have I ever’ since we had such a good laugh last week” He giggled, eyes squinting and with that smile that could melt ice.   
I squinted too- but not out of joy and tilted my head in confusion when basically everyone beside myself, Felix and Chris agreed. The latter tried to control his anger, balling his hand into a fist. Almost shaking with anger when he spoke,  
“We’re not playing that game, what are you, thirteen and drunk for the first time?” He scoffed and there was a pause among the closest to him that caught up with what he said. Confusion to where this sudden explosion of emotions came from,  
“Sit down, shut up and don’t act like an ass” I said, slightly embarrassed and pulled on Chris sleeve to make him sit back into the chair while I watched how Hyunjin sat down on the couch again, a sadness I couldn’t live with behind those gentle dark eyes of his,   
“Let’s do it” I said and sounded way more confident than I actually were. Avoided Chris eyes as he looked up at me with a quick twitch on his head, eyes traveling from me to the rest of the group with disbelief at my words.   
I couldn’t help but smile back when Hyunjin grinned again, big, bright and thankful. Call me a softie but it chased away the bad feelings I’d felt in my heart towards him since last weekend. He was clumsy, a bit apathetic and clueless to other people’s feelings sometimes but still with a heart of gold. Always making sure to apologise profusely whenever he realized he’d fucked up.   
“Seems like I’m the only one who doesn’t wanna play then” Chris said, a bit hurt, with his lips pressed into a thin line and the group agreed on that fact.   
“Either play or drink by yourself. It’s your choice” Woojin said and sipped from his drink, seemingly unbothered and with a voice that described just how much he didn’t want to deal with any sort of bullshit. I was thankful that we had him with us this time, since he was the only one, besides me, that was older and usually the only one that could put Chris, and the rest of the boys, back on track when things started to tip sideways.   
The words made Chris sulk beside me and he crossed his arms over his chest with a pout on his lips, probably expecting people to feel bad for him but no one did, and I glanced at him from the corner of my eye. Softly placed my hand on his knee and he looked over at me again, took my hand and held it in a safe grip but didn’t smile to show that he was feeling any better. The game started anyways and Jisung was reading some questions out loud that he’d found with a quick google search.  
“Ya’ll ready?” He asked loudly and we all shouted back a ringing “Yes” before he looked down at the first question, paused, frowned, looked up again and then asked, “Should we go by the rule that if there is a lonely drinker, they have to tell the story of why they drank?”   
There was hums of agreements through the crowd and Jisung started again, “Never have I ever tasted someone else’s bodily fluids”  
Numerous of disgusted faces turned to each other to see who was drinking and Minho took a swing of the bottle in his hand. Looked down at the floor with a curled upper lip before complaining, “Why did they phrase it like that?” while the two other girls and I had all taken a swing of our bottles as well, and now all of us, the whole group, watched Minho with a thoughtful gleam in our eyes, “What?” He asked as he looked between us.   
“Bodily fluids?” Jisung asked with a strange, mixed expression of revolt and curiosity on his face while Minho shrugged,   
“I wasn’t the only one drinking, you’ll just have to speculate about it forever”  
There were several eyerolls before Jisung continued, “Never have I ever sucked on someone’s toes”   
Woojin gulped down a big mouthful his drink and looked between the judgmental looks he received. Raised his hands in defeat and gave us all a look back, “Hey, the girl was hot, ok. I didn’t like it, but what was I supposed to do, stop fucking her?”  
Seungmin shook his head beside him with a disappointed face, “I’ve lost all respect for you, hyung”  
“Well, that was today’s TMI” Jisung chuckled, eyes flickering, like he was still a bit unsure if Woojin was serious, before he turned to the questions again and tried to compose himself, “Never have I-” He paused, giggled behind a closed hand and looked like he just remembered something funny, “Have I- slept with someone- within the hour of meeting them” He cleared his throat, took a swing of his drink and watched as more than half of our group did the same. I glanced over at Felix and watched as he swallowed down a gulp of the sweet cider he was drinking while I thought back on that girl he’d been hooking up with and felt how I zoned out for a second as I turned to Jisung again. Rage and sorrow roared in my heart. Thankful that no one noticed the way my eyes blanked out as the questions continued,  
“Never have I ever showered with the opposite gender” Me, one of the girls and three of the boys drank,  
“Never have I ever fallen asleep while watching porn” Only Changbin drank and the boys closest hit him in the back with playful punches while a slight blush covered his cheeks as he averted his eyes.  
“I was tired, ok? I don’t think I have to add anything else” He defended himself and one of the girls, who sat right next to him, the same one he talked with two weeks ago, purred out a small, “Aww, adorable” and he looked up at her, slightly surprised as she, clearly tipsy, fluttered her lashes at him.   
I cringed a bit from second-hand embarrassment. Knew that I was probably behind on the drinking from my reaction and took an extra swing of my bottle as I answered the next question,   
“Never have I ever been choked”   
Felix squirmed in his seat, uncomfortable but barely noticeable, as he knew first-hand what Chris had done to my body while my boyfriend just chuckled beside me and possessively squeezed my thigh, as I was the only one who had been drinking,  
“Ya nasties” Hyunjin commentated with furrowed brows, looking more jealous than he probably would ever admit and laughter erupted between our friends.   
“Never have I ever **not** washed a piece of clothing because of someone else’s scent on it”  
“Aw that’s just cheesy as fuck” Jeongin commentated at the edge of the sofa, his usual non-alcoholic, carbonated drink in his hand while he watched as me, Chris and Jisung took a swing of our drinks.  
“Ok, the cutesy couple I get but Jisung… is there something that you haven’t told us? Woojin asked with a twinkle in his eyes and the younger looked away. I blinked slightly in confusion and nearly protested when the oldest of the boys automatically concluded that it was Chris clothes that I didn’t wash. Caught myself just in time though and hoped that no one in the room saw that I flinched, because the clothes I saved, the ones I buried my nose into when I missed him too much, was Felix's. He seemed to sense my discomfort though, like so many times before, because he looked up and gave me a glance underneath his fringe from where he sat, three chairs away from me at my right. I met his eyes, knew since long that he’d noticed various college shirts, sweatpants and tees of his going missing every other 3 months or so. But he never said anything about it, even though I’ve been doing it for at least 5 years. Guess that he now also knew that I never really washed them. I felt how my cheeks flushed at the same time as Jisung when he looked away too. Watched as he tapped on the side of the bottle, stalling and paused for a few more seconds before he turned to Minho,  
“You know that shirt of yours, that soft, black, knitted one that you usually tuck into your pants?”   
The older pursed his lips and looked diagonally up while he was thinking for a few seconds before a light seemingly lit up in his head, “Aha, I’ve wondered where it disappeared”  
He didn’t sound angry with the fact that Jisung had stolen one of his shirts or even slightly awkward about the fact that the younger just admitted that he hadn’t washed it yet and our group just let out a couple of “Awws” while Changbin pinched Jisung’s red cheeks. A shy smile played on his lips as his cheeks flushed even brighter and he looked away, buried his nose in his phone again,  
“Never have I ever had a dirty dream about a teacher or professor at school”   
“Oh” Hyunjin exclaimed loudly and smirked while looking over at Seungmin who only nodded. The same sort of smirk on his lips.  
“The transfer math teacher three years ago, Ms. Liu. Damn” He shook his head as the tips of his ears tinted red, “She made me fail that class, hard” Hyunjin continued and Seungmin held up his hand in a high five.  
“Might be because being hard was the only mood that existed when she was around” Seungmin answered and laughter broke out between us at the wordplay before the sound of the high five echoed off the walls.   
“Never have I ever went skinny dipping” Two guys drank, and we refilled our drinks.  
“Never have I ever slept nude” Everyone except for Jeongin drank and Chris pinched his cheeks while the younger gave him a pained expression, immediately regretting the decision to tell the truth.  
“Never have I ever had friends with benefits” One of the girls drank and flipped her hair with a flick of her wrist,   
“That’s how I got to know my best friend”  
“Never have I ever had sex with someone at a university” Me and Chris clinked our bottles and chuckles filled the room.  
“Never have I ever been caught having sex” No one drank, just curiously looking around if someone would change their mind.  
“Never have I ever had sex with someone that was ten years older” Woojin took another swing of drink,  
“Hey, I told you all that she was hot”   
No one commentated. To be fairly honest, most of us were getting pretty drunk by now and I hoped that the next question would exclude me as well,  
“Never have I ever kissed my best friend”   
Fuck.  
I looked up, surprised at the very specific question and glanced over at Felix who gave me a small smile, the cider in his hand almost empty already. The two of us drank together as silence fell upon us. Chris put his arm around my shoulder to hold me tighter, but the feeling was too heavy.   
Suffocating.   
Jisung cleared his throat, “Well, this is awkward” He said and choked giggles behind closed hands could be heard since everyone’s drunk minds couldn’t decline the beehive mentality.   
“Just read the next question” I pressed on and tried to sit straighter under the weight of Chris arm on my shoulder,  
“Never have I ever had a dream about someone I liked” Jisung said and took a sip, still with his nose buried in the screen of his phone.  
I drank and watched as Minho looked at the friend at his right who still didn’t look up from the questions on his phone, took a sip as well before turning away again, putting his focus on the way his hands clenched around the throat of the bottle. I glanced over at Felix. Watched how he stared at the floor while swallowing down the rest that was in the bottle before standing up and walking to the fridge to grab another. My brows furrowed. It felt as if something was troubling him and I wondered if the person he’d been dreaming about, the one he liked- was the girl he’d been hooking up with these past days and that he’d probably miss her now when he was going away. Chris drank as well. Glancing at me with sad, big eyes when I met his eyes after turning away from my best friend.   
“Wait, are we talking about someone I enjoy spending time with? Or someone I ‘like like’?” Seungmin asked and Woojin gave him a soft smile,   
“Someone you like like”  
“Oh, I was hoping to finally drink” The younger answered, with a heavy voice and the rest of laughed at his sullen expression. Bottle still almost new.   
“Never have I ever had sex with someone in this room” Silence grew between us as we looked at each other. Curious if someone would admit that they had been seeing each other more privately.   
Chris looked over at me and I looked back. Watched as he glanced over at Felix, just as the younger sat back down, and then back at me again. Almost as if he wanted me to confess. I gave him a funny look, like I was obvious to what he was suggesting, and he rolled his eyes before taking a swing of his drink, watching me as I copied his motion.  
“Anyone else but the obvious couple in the room?” Jisung asked and looked up at each and every one to give them a chance to speak up. But no one did so he turned back to his phone instead, pursed his lips in thought and said with a pout, “Well, that’s pretty much what I got”   
Everyone sipped on their drinks. I was drunk, more than usual and felt how I was slightly swaying in my chair from the soft beat of the music. Looked up to see that most of my friends displayed a similar behaviour and couldn’t help but giggle.  
“That’s probably for the best, though” I said, knowing that we all have had enough to drink and Jisung pouted at my words.  
“Whyyyyyy?” He complained, locked his phone and flopped over towards Minho, knocking his head softly into the other’s bottle when he laid his head in his friends lap. Met his eyes with a small smile on his lips and the older of the two looked back with gentle eyes while putting down the drink on the table before he placed his hands in his friend’s hair. Gently petting him while Jisung closed his eyes with a deep sigh.   
Sometimes I just wished that they would realize how much they meant for each other. How much more they could be if they gave themselves a chance. If they for once checked a second time and noticed how the other looked at them when they didn’t see. How easily they could be so, so much more than just best friends.   
My gaze involuntarily switched over at Felix. Met his eyes when he looked at me from underneath his fringe with a small tilt of his head, like he’d been watching me for a while already. Felt how much I wanted to indulge in the way he looked at me, with his lips slightly parted and eyes hooded from the intoxicated blood pumping through his body. Felt how a blush crept up my neck when he wet his lips, thoughtfully, almost nervously. Finally tore my gaze away to glance over at Chris, who's eyes wavered from me to my best friend, before turning to watch the drink in his hands, eyelids drooping and body slumped over with his arms resting on his thighs and I didn't know if the look of exhaustion was because he was just as drunk as me or because he was tired of always third wheeling in this hurtful triangle of ours.   
"Let's come up with our own questions then!" Jeongin suddenly burst out and the rest of us looked up with wrinkles of confusion between our brows, “Everyone who’s still sober gets to drink”   
“Finally” Seungmin said and took a big gulp from the mixed drink in his hand, winced at the alcoholic taste and Jeongin chuckled while drinking from his own carbonated drink.   
“That’s not really how it works though” Woojin smiled at the youngest who only stuck his tongue out,  
“Anyone got a better idea?” He asked but no one protested, only hummed with agreement, “Ok, ok… umm… everyone who has a secret they don’t want anyone else to know gets to drink”  
I sipped on my beer, swallowing down barely a teaspoon to make sure that I kept my level of intake low. I felt good where I was but knew that I risked getting sick to the stomach if I’d finish the bottle too fast. Everyone drank, except for Jisung who only raised his bottle from his place, with his head still resting in Minho’s lap, and murmurs of suspicion aroused between us. This new twist of the game was certainly more interesting,  
“Anyone wanna tell?” Jeongin asked with twinkling eyes and a grin that contained a concealed and almost mischievous secrecy, like he took the sweet opportunity to collect as much blackmail as he could when everyone would be too drunk to remember telling and I stifled a giggle behind my hand while watching as my friends eyes flickered from one another,  
“It wouldn’t really be a secret that I don’t wanna share if I tell everyone, would it?” Hyunjin pouted and there were nods of agreement between us,   
“Ok, I’ll start then. I’m not a virgin, despite what you all might think” Jeongin said and Chris choked on the sip he took from his drink, like a parent that’d just found out that their child has had sex without them knowing,   
“What?” He choked out, and Jeongin smiled,   
“Yeah, with a girl in my class”   
He spoke like it was nothing special at all and we all watched him with surprised eyes, as a rather tense pause silenced us.  
“Well if we’re going to spill the beans, I’m a gold star” Jisung muttered from his place, in Minho’s lap, breaking the silence and making everyone’s mouth fall open again. Eyes still closed as a small blush covered his cheeks. Minho himself paused his movements and looked down on his friend. Still with his fingers in his hair though.  
“Gold star as in a gold star?” He asked, voice a bit weaker than he probably would’ve wanted because he cleared his throat as he met his friend’s eyes,   
“Yeah” Jisung said shyly while looking up at the older, “I’ve never been with a girl”  
“You’re a virgin?” Hyunjin busted out, surprised and Jisung rolled his eyes and sat up to face us all,  
“No, you obvious fuck, I’m gay”   
“Oh” Hyunjin blushed and we couldn’t help but giggle a little to his flustered and slightly sullen expression.  
Jisung looked down, his usual explosive positive energy completely gone, “I’m sorry for not telling you earlier, can you all accept me?” He asked and I stumbled slightly when I rose up too quickly from my chair.   
Closed the distance between us with a few short steps, placed my hand on his shoulder and met his eyes when he looked up with surprised eyes. Motioned for him to stand up and hugged him closely. Felt how he took a short surprise inhale, breath shaking a little and closed his arms around me too. Hands gripping the fabric of my clothes tightly.  
“Of course” I turned to my friends and said, “Right?” with a meaningful look at all of them and they quickly stood up and joined the hugging party.   
Enveloped him from all sides and I could feel how he smiled into my shoulder. How he took another shaky breath when he felt how Minho latched himself onto his back and hugged around his waist. I could feel the bodies of my best friend and boyfriend against me and fought to ignore the need to indulge in the amazing feeling of how perfect both their bodies lined up against mine while comforting one of the youngest.

...

Time passed with more questions, more funny stories and eventually the clock passed 1, and the girls from my work and Changbin decided to leave. He gave us a wink while hooking his arm with the girl he’d been flirting with the whole evening and we chuckled at them while she smiled shyly and thanked us for inviting them again. I hoped that they’d had a good time, despite the fact that a lot of the laughs shared between us were based on inside jokes.   
It passed 2 and Seungmin, Jisung and Minho decided to leave. The two younger ones had to be up before 10 tomorrow since they had an exam after lunch, and Minho followed, for reasons only he knew. I hoped, though, that the definite expression on his face when he waved us goodbye was founded in the decision that he and Jisung would finally decide to break the last thin wall between them. The small group that was left; me, Chris, Felix, Woojin, Hyunjin and Jeongin, all sat on the sofa now, drinking water since half an hour ago instead of alcohol with every question answered.  
“So, I have a question” Woojin asked, suddenly and looked directly at me. My breath got stuck in my throat and I swallowed quickly when I saw the look that he gave me. Hoped that what he’d ask wouldn’t expose me completely, “If you were to choose, gun to your head, between Chris or Felix. Who would you choose?”   
I sighed and felt how the men at my sides froze. I could see in my peripheral that they both looked at me, expecting an answer. I avoided their eyes though, and watched my own hands instead, picking at my nails while thoughts moved like quick rippling water through my mind. Felt two pair of thighs press up against me. Both strong from dancing, wearing jeans in washed out blue. Chris had ripped holes in his while Felix ones were brand new and I wondered for a second if he’d bought them recently since I hadn’t seen them on him. A ripple of poisonous speculations of why he hadn’t taken me with him, if he might have taken someone else, flashed through me like a lightning strike and I could feel how my heart ached. I wanted to reach out. To poke my finger through the holes in Chris jeans. To put my hand on Felix thigh and give it a teasing squeeze because I knew how ticklish he were there.   
“Noona?” Woojin asked again and I combed through my hair instead, to give my fidgeting fingers some comfort,   
“I uh…“I shrugged and gave him a small smile, “I’d rather die to be honest”   
Woojin rolled his eyes, “So you can’t pick one?” He asked as I shrugged again and shook my head without hesitation,  
“Would you ask a mother of two to pick a favourite child? I love them both, equally but differently”  
They shifted beside me from the answer, Chris leaned back in his seat while Felix moved to the side, away from me. I could feel the change of air around us and sighed, paused to feel if it changed back but ultimately decided to move. Felt them shuffle again from my unexpected motion but ignored it as I walked past my boyfriend to get out from my place on the sofa. Not able to sit still anymore. Heard how Woojin asked the next question to Hyunjin and how a quick, heated discussion broke out between them but couldn’t make out any words in the haste of getting away. My heart was pounding, and I wanted to run, to hide from the pain. To be able to find some sort of safe haven where I, for a second, could ignore how much the two of them affected me. To be able to abstain from the strain in my heart from the immediate loss of them next to me. Met my boyfriend’s eyes swiftly and saw, for the first time in a long time, that he looked relieved. Like my answer had been comforting. Immediately glanced over at Felix as well, who quickly met my eyes before he looked away again, bringing a glass of water to his lips instead. Felt a bit sick to my stomach at the way he didn’t met my eyes again, turned away and walked swiftly down the corridor between the living room and our bedroom, took a left in the hallway and closed the bathroom door behind me. Placed my drinking glass on the edge of the sink, with a hand that shook a bit more than I expected. Winced at the noise from glass hitting porcelain. Leaned against the coldness of it and felt how my heart ached in my chest.   
I knew that I was running out of time. Out of time to figure out my feelings. Out of time to act upon them. Out of time to know how Felix really felt. If there was anything mutual at all about the way he felt about me. If there was more than the sweet platonic love that had always existed between us.   
“You boys are lucky. You do know that right?” Woojin’s voice was hushed and I guess that he hoped that I didn’t hear what he was talking about. It was tough and barely clear enough, but I focused and could still pick it up,   
“We know” Chris answered.  
“Wouldn’t you be willing to share? It tears at her heart, you know that”  
“I can feel that” Felix sighed, and my mouth fell open,   
“And you have feelings for her too?” Woojin asked.   
Silence.   
I gulped.   
Felt how my heart raced in my chest from the suspense of not knowing the answer.  
“I’m not willing to share. Not romantically. I- I don’t think that she’ll return to me if I did” Chris voice broke slightly and I clenched my jaw when I heard the pain in his words, “I’m already on the verge of losing her from the stupid dare you tricked her with” He continued, voice dripping with venomous annoyance and I guessed that the tone was meant for Hyunjin and the kiss that happened last week, “I’m scared that she’ll leave if she realize that I’m nothing compared to you” That was meant for Felix and it was like a punch in the stomach when the younger answered,   
“I have never and won’t ever do anything that will hurt or confuse her feelings. But you don’t own her, Chris. I know that we’ll probably never be in a relationship, not like the two of you, she thinks that I’m way too young. But we have spent all of lives together, every single aspect of it, never leaving each other’s sides. She means more to me than I could ever explain with words. That isn’t something I’ll ever back away from. If she wants to progress what we already have. The special thing we share. What we’ve already done. Whether or not she chooses to spend the rest of her life with you. I won’t hesitate to give her everything I’ve got”   
I gulped. Felt how I had to remind myself to breathe when I started to feel lightheaded and gripped the porcelain in my hands tighter to not fall when my knees weakened. Was it that simple? My question, if he was attracted to me as well, answered?   
“What the fuck do you mean by ‘what you’ve already done’?” Chris asked, voice agitated and angry and shuffling could be heard when Woojin stood up to separate the two of them.  
“Calm down, Chris. There’s no need to fight” He said with a calming tone and a moment passed before the sofa creaked when they all sat down again.   
“I’ve never touched her, ok? Not in the way you probably imagine. But there has been… tension between us. She’s always enjoyed physical contact. You know that too. Small kisses on the top of her head, holding my hand whenever she wanted to be close, hugging me just to be closer, to enjoy the warmth between us” He paused and I could almost hear him smiling when he continued, wading through deep, dangerous waters, “There was one instance a few weeks ago. She likes to tease you know, and she must’ve felt that I wanted her so bad it almost physically hurt me because she placed her hands around my hips, sitting with her face so, so close to me that I could feel her hot breath on my lower stomach and god-” He paused again, taking a staggering breath and I felt my heart flip hard when I remembered what he was talking about, “If you two wouldn’t be a couple, I’d pull out my cock from my pants and just slip between those plump lips of hers” Shuffling could be heard again and Woojin shouted out a warning that was probably supposed to be quieter than it was when someone, most likely Chris, stood up, “I want her. She knows that too. Feels it in her body how much I crave her. That I’d do everything she’d want if she’d let me” Felix voice was clear as day.   
This was it then.   
The confession that he felt the same. That he’d gladly fall into bed and do all the things I’d been fantasizing about these last couple of weeks.   
My breath hitched. I gulped hard. Heard how they were talking with hushed angry voices but couldn’t make out any words because of the thumping of my heart in my ears. Felt how my stomach turned from both the alcohol still resting there and the butterflies that fluttered faster than they had ever done before. I staggered and realized that I was still quite tipsy. Enough so to lose myself for a few seconds, closed my eyes and let my head hang when I felt arousal simmer in the pit of my stomach when images of me and my best friend played like a movie on the blackness of my eyelids.   
Fuck.  
I inhaled sharply. Tried to regain my balance when the room temporarily spun around me. Filled up my glass with more water, drank it slowly, with my eyes still closed and did a small body shake to relax my tense muscles before I opened them again and met my own gaze in the mirror. Swallowed hard. Removed some make-up that traced under my eyes with my index fingers. Put on some lip balm and tried to calm my racing heart when I walked out again. Thoughts burning like a racing wildfire in my mind and I must’ve looked a bit lost when I entered the living room again because Chris voice suddenly broke the silence.  
“Babe? You ok there?”  
I looked up and met his eyes. Confusion in his eyes and a worried wrinkle between his brows and I gave him a small smile before looking over at the rest of the boys.   
“Yeah, I’m fine” I answered, and Chris nodded, satisfied with my answer and returned the smile I gave him.   
The others joined him with the small smiles before they turned to each other again, acting completely normal while changing the subject from what they were talking about when I was absent. There was something tense in the air though and if I hadn’t just heard what had been going on, I’d probably question it.   
I glanced over at Felix who still hadn’t given me a smile yet while my fingers fiddled with my college shirt. He knew just as well as me that I’d lied. Could see it the way my eyes still flickered, the way my smile didn’t reach my eyes, the way I hid my hands into the sleeves of my shirt instead as I felt the weight of his gaze, the way my shoulders hunched forward slightly; like I wanted to disappear within myself.   
I tried to give him another smile before I started to make my way over to the sofa again. Tried to persuade him into thinking that I was ok. But he still didn’t believe me. Only gave me a gentle smile back, with a small tilt of his head, fingers twitching like he wanted to reach out but was blocked by Chris, since he sat closest to me, and a small sigh left his lips when I finally sat back down, at the same spot, to erase suspicion. Felt how he bumped his shoulder with mine, ever so slightly and looked up at him just as he gave me a side glance, pulling a face because he knew that even though I couldn’t tell why I was feeling bad, he could still make me feel better.   
I sighed, looked away again and saw how he was grinning in my peripheral when a real smile tugged at the corners of my lips as I listened to Jeongin and the apparent subject of ’life-on- Mars-is-real-because-they-just-send-up-bigger-robots-and-they-found-out-that-the-level-of-oxygen-in-summer-there-is-much-higher-than-expected’ 


	8. The three of us- finally

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 9170 words of smut to brighten your day ♥

30 minutes passed and I had to admit that subject was interesting for the ones that joined in on the conversation. Hyunjin, Woojin and Chris started nicking off within 15 minutes though and that’s when they decided that it was time to go. The next minutes were spent still talking while finding shoes, phones, distributing the alcohol and snacks that were theirs and I exhaled deeply when the front door finally closed. Tired, not exactly sober yet but not nearly as drunk as I was close to two hours ago.   
“Finally alone” Chris purred in my ear and I froze when all of my hair in the back of my neck stood up from the surprise. I hadn’t heard that he’d sneaked up on me even though the corridor between the entrance hallway and our living room was at least three meters.   
“Not really though” I answered and held onto the arm that was wrapped around my midriff while nodding toward the living room where Felix still were.  
“He’s basically half asleep. I’m thinking that we’ll just leave him there, you know. It’s late and our sofa is comfortable enough. Come on, let’s go to bed”  
I snorted out a small chuckle and let him lead me into our bedroom with lazy steps. Yawned and allowed him to undress me with soft, gentle hands. Not even feeling like fussing over the fact that it was late, and I was tired when he pressed his frame against mine. Too warm and comfortable in my own skin to protest when he laid me down on the bed and began peppering my body with sweet kisses, going from underneath my jaw, down my throat, over my collarbones. Flicking his tongue over one nipple while his fingertips gently brushed over the other. Spreading a shiver of wanton need throughout me that made my skin prickle and back arch. I gasped rather loudly and immediately slapped my hand over my mouth, scared that Felix heard what was going on from the other room.  
“Let him hear, babe. I want him to” Chris removed my hand and planted his kisses further down my belly, over my hip bones, down between the inside of thighs, mumbled an almost inaudible, “Wants him to know that I have everything he wants to have” and I opened my mouth to say something but my mind went blank when he placed a firm but gentle hand on one leg to keep them separated when the action made me automatically want to rub them together, “Fuck babe, you look so beautiful like this” He whispered and I choked on my breath when he flicked out his tongue out to taste me while he placed my legs over his shoulders in the process.  
My head fell back, and I closed my eyes. Indulged in the feeling of him eating me out. Revelled in the way that he knew exactly how I liked it. Gently suckling my clit into his mouth, nibbling with soft lips, hummed to my taste and I groaned softly to how amazingly good it felt when the vibrations travelled up to the pit of my stomach. He pressed his tongue flat against my folds, gently pushed two fingers into me and a whine left my lips when he pumped them carefully in and out, and I couldn’t help but writhe as the pleasure made me go blind to anything else then the feeling of bliss taking over. Felt how my entire body flushed red from the thought of my best friend hearing everything that happened. Every moan that slipped out between my lips. Every whine, every gasp. Hoped in the darkest places of my mind that he was getting more and more turned on. Helplessly not able to do anything about it than just listen.   
Or well...so I thought; that was until Chris suddenly stopped and it even took a second before I realized that he’d shifted away from me as well.  
“You’re just gonna stand there and watch or?” He spoke up and I immediately opened my eyes. Inhaled sharply with surprise. Felix stood in the doorway of our bedroom. Holding onto the doorpost with a hand that had whitened from clenching it too hard. Mouth dropped open, a bright pink dusting the freckles on his cheeks and he gulped hard when he met my gaze. Eyes filled with shame and guilt and I knew that my reaction should’ve been to pull away from Chris and cover myself up . To hide myself from the gaze that wandered over my naked self. To _not_ feel how my heart flipped hard in my chest when my gaze flickered down at his crotch. To _not_ watch with curious eyes how his cock twitched in his pants when he noticed that I was staring. To _not_ clench around Chris fingers that were still buried knuckle deep inside of me when my mind started up a movie with images of Felix himself, so deep inside of me that I could barely breathe. But I still did all those things and Chris chuckled gently. Tongue flicking out to lick along his bottom lip,   
“Oh, you are shameless, aren’t you, babe?” He asked with a grin on his face. Voice dark and teasing and I swallowed hard when I watched how Felix fingers anxiously tapped the wooden doorpost.   
How he squirmed with discomfort but still couldn’t look away from the sight of me on the bed. How the tightness on the front of his pants got tougher and tougher to ignore. How he nervously wet his lips when I reached up to knead my boobs under his burning gaze. Softly pinching my nipples and writhed from the wonderful mix of pain and pleasure that shot through my spine. Watched as he bit down on tongue when a small groan involuntarily slipped out and my gaze flickered between him and Chris. Eyes begging.   
“You want him to join?” Chris asked, still with a grin on his face and wiggled his fingers.   
I clenched my jaw to suppress a whine when the combination of being teased and watching how Felix eyelids fell when Chris did so clouded my senses. Choked out a small “Yes” and swallowed hard from the way my best friend’s brows furrowed.  
“Really?” Felix asked. As if he couldn’t believe what I was saying. That I wanted him too.  
“You better not say no to this” Chris urged the younger, “It will be my goodbye gift to you” He took a staggered breath, and even though I wanted to protest to the way he phrased it, like I was his to give away, I couldn't pass on this opportunity as well. Not when we, all three, were willing.  
Chris motioned for him to come closer and Felix stumbled slightly when he took a step forward in his hurry. Came to stand beside his hyung and gasped loudly when the older separated my legs further with a flick of his wrist. Thrusted his fingers in and out a few times and I watched with hooded eyes how Felix hand immediately reached up to palm himself over his jeans. Thrusting slightly against his own hand as he watched. Careless and impatient now when he realized the chance he’d been given. I cursed in my mind when I realized so too. I’d gotten confirmed earlier that he was attracted to me, that he wanted me just as bad as I wanted him. But I would have never guessed that this would actually happen.   
Felix looked up and met my eyes again, a small tilt on his head, and I gave him a small nod to confirm before he reached out. His touch soft and gentle when he stroked his fingertips over my thighs, over my hip bone and belly and I shivered when he moved his hand over my breastbone to my jaw, chin and cheek. My breath hitching when he cupped it softly. Paused for a few seconds while only watching me with admiration and love in his eyes. Like I couldn’t understand just how much I really meant to him. Inhaled deeply and clenched his jaw, an almost painful look on his face, like there was so much he wanted to say but not enough words to describe them and I swallowed hard. Understood every word anyway and could only give him a weak smile while the air around us changed. Leaned into his touch, the way I’d done a thousand times before, except this time- his thumb stroked over my lower lip instead of my cheekbone and my breath got stuck in my throat from the way he bit onto his own tongue and a soft gasp left his lips when my tongue flicked out to wet my lips, brushing over the tip of his thumb in the process.   
The way he looked at this moment… God, the way that his eyes glazed over in a way I’d only seen in the filthy dreams I’d been having. The way I felt his pulse quicken up when he felt my breath ghost his face. He swallowed hard, hesitated and I decided that I couldn’t wait anymore. Raised myself up and closed the distance between us with a swift movement and he groaned, guttural, greedy and flustered with lust and I inhaled sharply when the gentle hand on my cheek travelled back to grasp a handful of hair in the back of my neck. Soft lips moved against mine just as Chris thrusted his fingers in and out again, before he snorted out a small laugh when my body jolted from surprise and went back in for another taste of me, taking away the already shortness of my breath.   
Felix's kisses where intense, sloppy, and I buried my fingers into the lilac of his hair when he flushed closer to me and we fell into a rhythm like we’d been kissing for years. I hated that I could admit then and there that I’d missed his lips on mine. The way he moved against me, the way he swallowed me up completely and flushed closer against me, pushing me down into the mattress, touch starved for more and out of breath. The deep whiny gasps that escaped his lips quickly made me addicted to hear more and I found myself falling deeper and deeper into the trance of feeling his lips moving against mine as the seconds seemed to slow down. His tongue flicked out to taste me. His right hand brushed through my hair in an almost comforting action, while the way that he inhaled my every gasp of air was the exact opposite. He was possessive but so gentle. Dominated the pace, regulated the way he wanted me to dance with him while doing it so delicately that I was choking on my own breath. The position was slightly awkward, with him just leaning over me and I pulled on the arm that held him upright. Craved more of his touch, more of him taking the control I knew he wanted to take. He obliged to what I needed, stepped closer, placed one leg on the bed and let his left hand travel down to cup my left boob and my breath hitched when his did as well. Paused for a second while pressing his forehead against mine. Holding back a moan when I tried to breathe as I felt myself getting closer to the finish line when Chris curled his fingers into me, pulling up my legs further against my chest and let me ride his face to control the rhythm.   
“I’ve been dreaming about this” Felix whispered and I felt pathetic as I held onto his arm, trying to find a middle ground where I could listen to what he wanted to say and not try to come to fast, even though Chris did his hardest to succeed with the latter, “Fantasized about this… for way too long. Long enough to leave me embarrassed if you were to guess” He continued, the whisper got swallowed by our harsh breathing and I for once, allowed myself to revel in the feeling while I stroked down the side of his face. The softness of his skin. His cute pointy ears. The way his hair tickled the side of my face.   
“I…” I started but he kissed me again, to keep me quiet. Maybe he was too afraid that I’d say something he didn’t want to hear, or maybe he just couldn’t stop himself from claiming every moment that had been lost to us just playing around with each other for so long and I didn’t try to say anything more. Only gasped when I felt tears in the corners of my closed eyelids.   
Wallowed in this unbelievable opportunity of feeling of him so close. Of the ferocious craving we had for each other. Of the way his cupids bow fit so perfectly against my own. My hands travelled lower, needing to touch more skin just as Chris flicked his wrist in a way that made me writhe and before I knew it, before I could stop it- I was falling. I held onto my best friend, my mouth falling open as a soundless scream left it and the only thing I could hear before a white noise overtook my hearing was Felix sound of absolute astonishment as he watched how my back arched off the bed. I could feel how Chris shifted and pulled away between my legs. How he chuckled softly with pride that he made me lose control so violently. How the warm comfortable feeling of afterglow made my body feel all tingly and hummed with satisfaction.   
“Don’t think that it’s over that simple, baby girl. You agreed to work twice as hard tonight, didn’t you?” Chris voice was deeper than normally, and I felt how Felix shifted away from me before I opened my eyes again just in time to see when Chris pulled down the zipper of his own pants. Pulled out his cock from above the lining of his underwear and let his head fall back as he stroked over his length with quick movements. Drops of precum were already wetting his fingers, making the head of his cock glisten from the light on the bedside table and I swallowed hard when I looked up to meet his eyes again, “Open up” He said while motioning for me to open my mouth and my gaze lingered on Felix who stood behind him. Shy all of a sudden and not sure what to do now that the older had taken commando. I reached out for him, smiled when his lips tugged up as well. Chris cleared his throat to make me hurry up and I gave him a sour look while Felix took my hand and I gave it a small squeeze before I turned my body sideways 90 degrees so that my head was resting off the bed and heard how Felix groaned with anticipation when I opened my mouth and let Chris slip between my lips.   
“Fuck” He choked out and I could hear how Felix hummed as he walked around the bed, “She’s so hot Lix. I can’t believe that you’ve been able to keep yourself together around her” Chris moaned out and I felt how my eyes teared up when I felt the younger place his hand on my thigh again and I parted them without hesitation before he moved another muscle.  
“I haven’t, though” Felix said back but the words were drenched out into a deep groan when he watched as I pressed two fingers on my still sensitive clit before dipping them into my cunt, hooking my fingers and collected some of my wetness before separating my fingers and felt how a translucent string still connected them. He cursed at the way that I teased him, and I felt how my stomach did exited somersaults. Enjoyed the feeling of nails digging into my thighs as he cursed again, under his breath.  
“Go ahead” Chris urged the younger on and hummed out a low groan when my breath hitched as he flicked my nipples, played with them softly as I took him deeper. Bopping my head to show that he could move, and a louder, harsh gasp escaped his lips when I placed my arms around his thighs to keep myself in the same position.  
“You’re so beautiful noona… I can’t believe… that you’ll let me” Felix voice broke and I blindly reached out for him, grasped after his hand again, shaking slightly when I placed it where we both wanted.   
My heart flipped when I felt him touch me in the way I’d only been dreaming about and I swallowed hard, earning a small jolt from Chris when the action squeezed tighter around him, just as I felt how my best friend pushed two fingers between my folds, not stopping until he was knuckle deep. He felt so different from Chris, and just the thought that this was happening, _finally_ , made me writhe against him. The pads of his fingertips carefully explored every centimetre of me. Like he was mapping me up for future references. Like he didn’t want to forget how I was feeling. The action made me swallow hard again and Chris twisted my nipple a bit rougher than necessary, earning a small choked yelp from me.  
“Don’t you dare clench around me again. I’m gonna come inside of you, not down your throat”   
I hummed with agreement and mumbled a sorry as well as I could with his cock lodged deep into my throat. Felt how Felix had paused from the sudden harm that was done to me and Chris chuckled, “She likes the pain, don’t worry about it”   
“She doesn't though” Felix answered, and I couldn’t help but roll my hips slightly to make him move again. Whining and felt how Chris legs shook when the vibrations shot through him. Not caring about the way they argued, or what they argued about. Only craved more of the way Felix felt inside me,  
“Oh really?” Chris asked and flicked my nipple again, earning a shudder from me when the pain spread through me, making me rub my thighs together and clench around my friend who inhaled sharply when he felt the constriction, “You think you know her better when I’m the one who has been fucking her for years? Be my guest” Chris said with an almost taunting tone and I winced and coughed hard when he forcefully pulled out. Barely had time to breathe until he placed his hands on my back and flipped me over, so I fell forwards instead. Inhaling sharply when Felix’s fingers slipped out, luckily tucked my legs underneath me in time and was forced onto my hands in the process. I swallowed hard, ashamed of the way I’d been tossed around like a broken doll.   
I was okay with it, even enjoyed being overpowered and dominated when we were alone. But this time, we weren’t, and I could see my best friend in my peripheral. Felt embarrassed that he had to see me, someone he’d known all his life, someone older than him, being treated like that. Felt my vision got blurry as tears swelled over from the thought of him losing all the respect that he’d always given me from seeing me in another light, on my hands and knees in front of him, like I was praying. Breath hitching when his familiar, warm hand combed through the locks of my hair, shuddered and immediately closed my eyes when he turned up my chin to make me look at him.  
“Don’t worry” He said gently, “I’d never hurt you. Not even if you were begging for it”  
I nodded at the promise while feeling how the tears I’d been trying to hide rolled down my cheeks anyway.   
I’d loved him, my little Lix, for so long, in so many different ways that I was scared that this was finally it. The moment that would finally be the one that either joined or broke us.  
Felt how tears splattered on my chest while the pain I felt grew stronger in my heart when my mind once again questioned if this is what I wanted, to actually be with Chris, to stay with him. That my love for the older of the two was actual love and not just the feeling of being safe; economically in the future, with the familiarity of his face, his way of thinking, his voice, his body. With our apartment and our friends, all of them being people that I’d met through Chris. What would I do without him? I’d lose basically everything I held dear in this town. Our stuff, our place, our friends… The only thing I’d have left was right in front of me, stroking away my tears with a gentle hand- and he would leave me to pursue a path that I couldn’t follow on. I had a job here, a family, even if they lived two hours away. I couldn’t just leave it all.  
But then again. Maybe it wasn’t just love that I felt for him, for Felix, anymore. That thought had struck me more and more these past days. That I might actually be stupid enough to have fallen for him. That the dreams I’d had lately, the daydreaming- about a life together, wasn’t just a silly thought anymore.   
His lips were soft, gentle, this time and I felt my heart clench as it pulled me from my thoughts. Tasted the saltiness of my tears in the kiss with a small gasp. He was gentle, without rush, without needing to take- only give and I choked on my breath, whining softly when he cupped my face and coaxed it carefully to the side to deepen the kiss. Reached forward and he flinched with surprise when I pulled up his shirt from within his pants, rubbed my thumbs into the lining of his jeans and sighed softly against his lips when I felt the hardness of his abs against the pads of my fingertips. Hooked my fingers around the hem of it and he separated us quickly to pull it over his head.   
An exaggerated snort behind me told me exactly what Chris thought about Felix body and I rolled my hips instead of giving him any attention. Just to tease him since he could only watch at the moment. The kisses grew sloppy, wetter and my head was spinning when I reached out again to unzip the jeans that still very much hugged his figure. Indulged in the way that he groaned when I pulled them over his hips and down his thighs. The sound of his hushed moans when my hands gripped around his hips made me drunk and I choked on my breath when I heard the belt buckle hit the floor before he stepped out of them.   
We separated, gasping and out of breath and I met his eyes, black and blown out, just like I’d imagined them to be at this moment. Short pants of air left his parted bruised lips and the lilac hair of his were tousled. Chest heaving and black underwear low around his hips. Showing off a perfect V-shape where his hip bones popped. I suddenly felt very self-conscious about how I, myself, looked. Not even near as perfect as he were, and he recognized the change of my expression immediately.  
“Don’t you dare” He simply said and gave me a soft smile when I nodded back.   
“You haven’t forgotten about me, have you?” Chris asked and I froze when I could feel how the bed shifted beside me, “You were going to prove something for me? Weren’t you? That she didn’t enjoy the pain?” He pressed on and Felix tilted his head, eyebrows raised.  
“She’s dripping wet…”  
“Yeah, I know. I was eating her out when you walked in” Chris said, and I knew exactly what face he pulled without needing to look at him. It was the one with disbelief, one cocky brow raised while he smirked like he knew every answer in the books. I rolled my eyes, hooked my fingers in the edge of Felix underwear, pulled them down to his midthigh shifty and he just barely inhaled sharply before I closed one hand around his cock. He was a tiny bit shorter than Chris but girthy enough that I couldn’t fully close my fingers around him, and I shivered with the thought of how good he’d be filling me up.   
“Fuck, noona, are you planning on killing me?” Felix choked out and Chris chuckled softly,  
“She’s only getting started” He said and I didn’t waste a second to prove just that, squirming at the overpowering enjoyment from the whole sentence of curse words that fell from Felix lips when I leaned forward and closed my lips around the head of his cock. Fit my hand around the part that didn’t fit yet and breathed through my nose while my eyes fluttered close when he hit the back of my throat. His body convulsed from the intense pleasure and I felt pride swell in my heart when I took his reaction to me. Knowing that I made him feel so good, that I made him lose control just like that. I bopped my head up and down a few times, hummed at the taste of his pre-cum and revelled in the small deep gasps that left his lips. Felt lightheaded from the shortage of air, paused for a second to let him fall out of my mouth but still pumped over his length with my hand wrapped around him tighter. Licked over the head with kitten licks, moaned when he gently rocked his hips forward, unable to stop himself as I took him into my mouth again. Put pressure on the underside with my tongue and clenched around nothing when his mouth fell open as I hollow my cheeks while spreading the mixed wetness of my saliva and his pre-cum over the shaft of his cock.   
“Tell me I’m better” I said, voice weak but he still picked it up. Opened his eyes, confused and drunk with pleasure and it took a few seconds before he connected the dots, “Convince me” I pressed on and he chuckled,  
“She was just a girl, someone who came to me. Someone who was as lonely as me. She was average, didn’t really put in much effort…” I licked down the bundle of nerves under the head and he choked on a gasp, fingers tangled in my hair and pulled harshly as he met my eyes,  
“She’s not you” He finished, smiled lopsided and my eyes fluttered close again as the words resonated within me, placed my hands on his hips to keep him in place and clenched around nothing again when a long dragged out moan rumbled in his chest as I swallowed him down completely. Choked on his size as my nose bumped into his pelvis but forced myself to relax, inhaling deeply and felt how my eyes rolled back when the musky smell of him took over my senses. Tried my hardest not to swallow and felt how my eyes swam over with tears as the intrusive feeling strained my throat.  
“Fuck” Chris cursed behind me and I felt how my stomach did somersaults when the bed shifted again, two fingers entered me swiftly and I flinched only slightly as he pressed closer to me, naked now and still with a rock-hard cock that craved attention. I pushed back against him, needy for some sort of friction, to be filled up with something more than fingers.   
“Are you ok, babe? You’re doing so good swallowing him down like that” Chris praised, and I couldn't help but swallow then, gagged automatically and let go at the very same time just as Felix shuddered against me from the intense feeling. Allowed myself to take a shaky deep breath and cleared my throat when I almost choked on my own spit. Felix stroked down my cheek, comforting me with sweet words as I rubbed my ass over Chris length.  
“You want it, babe? You want me to fill you up?”  
“Please” I whined out and Chris chuckled softly.  
“Swallow him down again then”   
I took Felix in my mouth again, not hesitating for a second and he choked on a gasp when I was pushed down further on him, taking him all in again and the vibrations from my satisfied humming when Chris entered me, sent him into a frenzy.  
“Can I… move?” He asked, voice breaking, and I nodded shortly, gasping for air with every thrust that Chris moved my body with.   
Felix cursed again, thrust his hips forward and I winced to the uncomfortable feeling. Gave it a few seconds until I got used to it and looked up to see that his head had fallen back, one hand holding my hair up while the other stroked over his body, brushing the abs on his stomach, the hardness of his nipples and my breath hitched again. Chris reached around me, considerate enough to carefully rub my clit while rolling his hips into me and I held tight onto his arm to not fall forward while groaning to the feeling of being so filled up. Keeping still as I let them thrust into me, bouncing me back and forth between them as I tried not to pass out from the devastatingly good feeling of them both rushing after the finish line.  
“Fuck, I’m gonna cum” Felix choked out, his thrusting irregular and off pace and I placed my right arm around his waist to keep him in place, “You sure?” He asked and I only had to give him a look to confirm before he gulped hard, hips jolting hard to bury his cock as far down my throat as he could. Enough so that my forehead bumped into his stomach. I watched with amazed eyes how his face scrunched up, mouth falling open before biting hard onto his own tongue when a harsh, almost animalistic groan erupted from deep within his chest. Coughed when hot ribbons of cum made his cock twitch harshly inside my throat. He pulled away, thighs shaking and immediately looked guilty when I struggled for breath, clenching around Chris so hard that he had to pause.  
“Fuck, shit sorry” Felix said and brushed back my hair from my face but I violently shook my head and licked my lips to savour the taste of him, not needing to say anything as my head fell back to rest on Chris shoulder when the older begun to move again. Panting hard with my face towards the ceiling. Holding onto him as he picked up the pace.  
“Dear god, aren’t you a sight to behold” Felix said, voice raspy and out of breath and I put on a show for him as my heart swelled. Separated my legs further, stretched my body out like a bow against Chris frame as he fucked me from behind, still lazily rubbing my clit with one hand while the other kneaded my boobs and my mind went blank with the way he rolled my body against his in a dance we’d done so many times before. I tilted my head to the side to capture his lips and he choked on a gasp when our tongues met before our lips did, only pausing for a second when he tasted the traces of Felix cum on my tongue but decided that his own need for release triumphed his petty heterosexuality. I turned to my friend, forced my eyes open and Felix gave me a pained expression, like the vision in front of him was too much to bear, powerful enough to leave him astounded as I reached out for him again, and he took my hand while climbing up on the bed as well. Moaning when I placed one arm around his waist and the other in his hair, pulling back his fringe from his forehead before locking my lips with him again, my chest flushing against his with every thrust that rocked my body.   
“Do something, anything to her” Chris ordered and Felix swallowed hard from the sudden command, placed a warm hand on my chest and I felt my breath hitch when he let it travel down, swatted away Chris hand there and a small chuckle rumbled against my back when the older placed both his hands around my hips instead, gripping around the bones there, possessive and greedy. Pulled on my whole body to meet his thrust. Hips bouncing off my ass while Felix licked across my lower lip before slipping his tongue into my mouth, swallowing down my breath as his fingers pressed against my clit, rubbing it carefully but fast enough that I shuddered against them both.  
“There we go, fuck” Chris gasped harshly in my ear when I clenched hard around him.  
“Don’t stop” I begged and felt that familiar fire building up in the pit of my stomach again.   
“Wouldn’t dream about it, noona” Felix answered, and I swore that I could feel him smirk against my lips.  
Chris came with a dragged-out groan, filling me up while shuddering against my body and I desperately continued moving, almost barely missing my moment and clenched around while falling again, milking him dry in the process.  
“Can’t believe I’ve gone this long without knowing how you look when you come” Felix whispered and I grinned happily before wincing when Chris pulled out and moved away from me, earning a soft groan from them both when some of his cum trickled down the inside of my thigh.   
I fell backwards onto the bed with closed eyes. Felt spent, tired but the men above me didn’t plan on stopping at all. There was a tap on my thigh and even in my daze, I could feel that it was Felix. Parted my legs without question and heard Chris chuckle behind me.  
“So needy babe. How long how you been dreaming about this? About Felix and the way he’s looking at you right now?”   
I could feel three fingers entering me, scooping out some cum that rested happily there and felt how my heart flipped when my friend climbed on top of me, bringing the coated fingers towards my mouth.  
“Last Christmas” I whispered and swallowed hard as the fingers coated my lips before slipping between them, urging me to lick them clean. He felt to good where he was, between my legs, one hand at the side of my head to keep himself upright while his half hard cock nudged against my cunt, “I almost walked in on him fucking another girl and the first thought that flashed through my mind wasn’t embarrassment but how badly I wanted to be in there with him, to be the one that caused him to sound like that, instead” I said as the fingers withdraw and I opened my eyes.   
Felix head was tilted to the side, curious eyes barely two decimetres from mine and his lips tugged up in a small grin when my breath hitched. The feeling of his body weight on top of me was enough to get me gasping and I couldn’t help but coil my body as he moved his, ever so slightly, in a way that barely resembling thrusting but I couldn’t help but rub my thighs against his sides anyway, lifting my ass of the mattress slightly and he groaned as his cock threatened to slip into me.  
“If I only knew that you stood on the other side of that door, I’d ditched the girl immediately” He said and I rolled my eyes, but knew, could see it on him that he didn’t exaggerated and smiled, eyebrows furrowed with a look of disbelief as he brushed some of my hair away from my face, spreading it out like a halo around my head, “Not to be rude, Chris, but I fear that I might not have been able to say no if I’d see her in that moment. Fuck-” He cursed and licked his bottom lip into his mouth, “To know that I could’ve lost my virginity to you and not the first girl who actually came knocking on my door. That I could've had you all for myself that first time. You’d look so gorgeous clenching the fabric of my blanket” He slid his cock between my folds, and I choked on my breath,  
“I don’t blame you mate, look at her. If I wouldn’t be so scared that I’d never have her for myself again, I’d share her on full time. The two of you… the way that she looks underneath you…” Chris trailed off as Felix looked up and gave him a small smirk, “Thought you’d add a “no homo”  
“It isn’t homo if a girl is involved” Chris said, with a voice that sounded just as unsure as he probably were and I looked between them booth with a small giggle, which seemed to pull them back.   
“Should I leave, or?”  
“And miss out how good Felix here would feel between your legs? Not gonna happen” Chris chuckled, and I felt my heart flip when the humorous feeling between us switched in an instance as the younger of the two looked down at me again. He gulped, almost nervously and my breath hitched just as he leaned down and gave me a small kiss, just pecking my lips gently, almost innocently but it still took my breath away completely. He held himself there a bit longer, flushed his chest against mine and I squirmed as my arousal burned between my legs when his right hand reached up to rub a nipple between his index finger and thumb. Cock getting harder by the minute and brushing between my wet folds harder with each slow snap of his hips. The underside of his shaft rubbed my clit in a way that made me breathless.   
Felix was so consuming. The way he kissed me. Dangerously slow, making me chase after him as he teased me. Tongue flicking out to taste me, lips lazily moving against mine as he twirled a lock of my hair, moved over my throat to coax my head to the side, almost forcefully taking my breath away as he carefully closed his fingertips over my throat, just to feel when my breath hitch. His touch, his smell, his taste- were all so addicting that the world around us disappeared and I had almost forgotten that we were three before a soft sigh above me made me open my eyes. Chris stood on his knees, cock a harsh red, warm and heavy in his hand as he jerked himself off, head falling back as he panted loudly, and I could feel how my stomach clenched as I rubbed my thighs around Felix hips from the sight. The younger of the two just glanced up to the reason why I broke off the kiss but didn’t seem to mind as his kisses continued down over my body. Pausing temporarily to lick a hard nub into his mouth. Sucking and nibbled softly on it while harshly groping my other boob and my fingers gripped his hair as my back arched from the pleasure.   
Chris eyes were hooded as he watched us, and his mouth had fallen open as beads of pre-cum escaped the head of his cock already. I motioned for him to come closer just as Felix reached my lower stomach and took the opportunity of him pausing to turn around onto my hands and knees, throwing the younger out of balance for a just second before he realised what I wanted, laid down between my parted legs and I gasped loudly as he kissed my inner thighs. Teeth gracing the sensitive flesh lightly while blowing air against the folds of my cunt and a low chuckle escaped his lips when I shivered from the feeling just as Chris grabbed my face, almost forcefully and locked my lips with his. Choked on a breath when Felix finally placed his arms around my thighs and pressed me down onto his face. Whole body spasmed as I cried out from the feeling but both of them were ruthless in their pursuit of never letting me catch my breath. Chris tugged on my hair, to crane my head back as he dived in deeper, pushed his tongue between my lips when I gasped from the surprise and moaned loudly, shuddering when Felix didn’t waste a second and pushed three fingers into me, hooking them slightly and pressed up against the spot that made me lose it completely.   
I was a mess, stuck between two men that were hellbent on making me cum as many times they could and choked on my breath as Felix moaned to the taste of me. Buried my fingers of one hand into his hair, sobbing into Chris mouth as the older harshly kneaded my boobs. My other hand was wrapped around Chris cock and he jolted his hips forward in time of my stroking. His desperate gasps were swallowed down by me and I felt so complete, so fulfilled that I couldn’t stop myself as I came again just as Felix hummed against my clit, sending sweet vibrations into my lower body. I slumped against Chris, gasping against his lips and tried I rise myself up, too sensitive for Felix to continue eating me out but he stopped me, held his arms tighter around my thighs and I had to let Chris go because I simply couldn’t breathe. He didn’t stop until my legs were shaking, let me go then and gave me a drunken smile as he sat back up, chin wet from my juices and I opened my mouth to say something, to act like I was angry at him and not completely breathless from the way he’d allowed me to ride his face.   
“Come on” Chris said, restless and I looked at him, confused at what he was suggesting, “Lie back down” He ordered and Felix looked at him, confused, but obliged anyway, “Go on babe, ride him” Chris said and pushed me slightly towards my friend, voice relaxed, like he was talking about the weather and I inhaled sharply at his bluntness.  
Thighs wet from coming three times already and breath stuck in my throat again as I took in the sight of Felix, laying on his back with his head on the pillows. Cock twitching as he lazily rubbed the head and I clenched around nothing again when I watched how he pulled back the foreskin to reveal the dark red annoyed head. Pre-cum dripping like beads from the tip and I only hesitated for a second before I started to approach him. Still with thighs that shook from my latest orgasm. I straddled his hips carefully, stomach doing nervous somersaults and he immediately placed his hands on the swell of my ass, gave me a smile that crinkled the edges of his eyes and bit down on his lower lip as he held back a groan when my thighs wet his hips.   
“I- we’re both free from anything, if you want to. If you’re as well” I started off, but he nodded before I could finish what I was going to say.  
“Fuck I- I’m so ashamed to say it but I made a promise to myself years ago to always wear a condom, just to make sure that- I mean- if a moment like this would arise- that-”  
“I need you to come inside me” I finished off and he groaned, let go of me to grab his cock and I raised myself shortly, felt my heart thump so hard in my ears that I grew deaf to anything but the way he gasped out when his cock nudged my entrance. Paused and locked eyes with me, just to make sure- because there was no way we’d ever go back to the way we used to be afterwards, but I was impatient. Too hungry and needy for more and couldn’t help the whine that slipped out between my lips when I sat down the rest of the way and watched with hooded eyes as his mouth fell open when I slid down on his length. Fingertips digging into my ass so hard, it bruised me, but I welcomed the pain. Choked on my breath when I slumped against him as he bottomed out, stretching me so good that I could barely breathe.   
“You’re so warm” He stroked down my face with his fingertips, breath hitching while I leaned against him as my heart swelled so much that it felt like it overtook my whole chest, choking me as he looked at me like I was the only one that ever mattered. The amount of affection in his eyes made me sob out, “You’re perfect. Dear God- I can’t believe this is happening. You feel so good”  
He cursed loudly and amidst the overpowering feeling, I leaned down and found his lips, cried out when I tasted myself on his tongue and he harshly rubbed his hands over my ass, raised me up a little, just to get some friction and cursed again when I clenched around him.   
“Fuck, noona. I’m not gonna last long if you continue doing that” He inhaled sharply, and I pressed my forehead against his. Barely noticed the bed shifting until Chris was right behind me.  
“Lift her ass up again, mate” He begged. Voice hoarse and Felix swallowed hard before doing the same action again, and Chris groaned deeply.  
“Oh, I wish you could see the way she’s stretched so perfectly around you. Cunt just sucking you right in. Move… please” He begged us and I sobbed out as I raised myself up on trembling thighs, lifting barely two centimetres and Felix immediately helped me, lifted my whole bottom completely and thrusted up to meet me and my eyes rolled back in my skull as a soundless scream made my mouth fall open.   
Chris cursed behind me again and I heard on the slick noises that he was jerking off again. He placed one hand on my lower back, and I shuddered from the surprise, bouncing off Felix cock with every slow intense thrust, my head fell back as I placed my hands on the clenched muscles on his stomach to support myself.   
“Babe, can I… please?” Chris begged while brushing his fingertips against my ass and I only nodded, feeling how my heart raced and stomach clench as I arched my back to give him proper access, “Suck” He demanded and pressed two fingers onto my tongue. I met Felix eyes as I coated them, watched as he groaned when a string of spit broke off as Chris removed his fingers. I winced from the pain when he dug his fingernails into my waist as Chris rubbed against my asshole before he pushed one in and all three of us gasped at the feeling. Felix threw his head back and the pace he’d set became off beat for a few seconds as I constricted around him and my cunt immediately got even tighter from the presence of Chris finger. My whole body jolted forward as I clenched around the intrusive feeling for a few seconds before I got used to it and couldn’t help but push back as Chris nibbled on my throat, his chest flushed against my back and I could feel the movement from his hand against my lower back as he continued to jerk himself off.   
“So beautiful noona, so good for me” Felix whispered as he combed my hair back from my face with a shaky hand, eyes tearing up when he looked up at me and I felt my heart clench as I leaned down again. The kiss was sloppy, wet and messy and he choked on his breath against my lips, hands kneading the swell of my ass as he lifted my whole body to thrust me down on his cock again.   
Chris was restless behind me, pumped his finger a few more times and I shuddered when I felt how he withdrawn before spitting on his fingers. Added one more, right after he entered me again and Felix cried out, full on sobbed as he thrusted harder into me and pressed his forehead against mine while mumbling curse words under his breath every time my heat swallowed him down. I separated my thighs further, felt how he brushed against my cervix and gulped from the sweet pain. Whined loudly when Chris reached forward and unexpectedly grabbed a handful of my hair, pulling my head back and flushed his chest against my back to catch my lips over my shoulder.   
A low moan slipped between Felix lips as he watched the scene, picked up the speed and I was a gasping mess between the two of them.  
“Let me fuck you, please” Chris begged, voice breathless and jolted his hips forward against the fingers that were already there.   
I swallowed hard, a nervous and an exhilarating feeling exploding in the pit of my stomach as I nodded. Felix whined when Chris pulled out his fingers again, backed away from us for a few seconds, opened the bedside table and fished out a bottle of lube. My heart thumped hard in my chest and I clenched around Felix again as Chris squirted a good amount on his fingers before they entered me again. Gasped at the feeling, arched my back as much as I could and cried out as he scissor his fingers, feeling so unbelievably dirty as I met my best friends hooded eyes again while relaxing my body to prepare it for something significantly thicker.  
Chris gave it a minute, prepared me fully while he kissed down my neck with small gentle pecks and I hummed with satisfaction before he whispered a small, “Are you ready?” and I could only nod again as he squirted some lube on his cock, gasping slightly as he stroked himself a few times before he nudged the tip against my entrance, desperate pants ghosted against my shoulder as he tried to make place for it with his fingers. He thrusted forward carefully, just let the head enter me, paused to let me get used to the discomfort and I became blind as darkness overtook my sight. Felix stopped in an instance, buried deep inside me and the feeling was unreal. My thighs shaking and heart hammered so hard that all I could hear was white noise. I could feel myself clenching and forced my muscles to relax, knowing that the mixed discomfort would disappear completely when I did so. Chris pressed sweet kisses on my throat, whispered praises of how could I was, how amazing I felt, against my skin and I let my head fall back again his shoulder while I sneaked my arm around his waist and placed my hand on his lower back, pushing him forward until he was bottoming out. I could feel tears on my cheeks from the feeling of being so filled out and choked on a gasp when Felix reached out to place his hand on my chest,   
“Can I move?” He whispered and I took a shaky breath before nodding, placed my hand over his and felt my entire body shudder when they started to thrust into me, setting a pace that made me breathless. I reached down to rub my clit again, just as Chris placed his hand on mine and I could feel my heart cry out as our hands mirrored our bodies. Connected all three. For this time and this time alone. Tears streamed down my face by now and I refused to meet Felix eyes, knowing that I’ll start crying for real if I did so, the wetness splattered against his chest, but I knew that he felt that I was ok. That the tears wasn’t founded in pain but rather from the feeling of us so close. He placed his other hand on my cheek, thumb stroking over my cheekbone and I leaned into his touch, placed a kiss on his wrist and heard how his breath hitched.   
“Are you close?” He asked and I choked out a small, “Yes” while pressing down on my clit harder, feeling how my body was giving out on me, barely having any energy left to keep myself upright. Chris seemed to feel that I was slipping because he placed his other arm around my midriff, holding me up as he picked up his speed, grunting against my neck with every slap of skin against skin.   
I fell before I knew it, thighs shuddering as my body gave out completely and I felt how I wetted Felix lower stomach as I squirted all over it. A loud, rumbling moan broke from his lips as he dug his fingertips into my waist from the feeling. Cursed under his breath as my body slumped between them and I was thankful that Chris held me up.  
“Can I come inside you?” Felix groaned out and I gasped loudly as I nodded quickly, holding onto him as his eyes rolled back in his skull, bottomed out completely inside me and Chris moaned with him as we both felt how he twitched inside me as long ropes of cum filled me up to the brink. Some squirted out before he was even finished, and I gasped breathlessly as it created a mess underneath me.   
Chris followed shortly after, filling me up as well while he nibbled at the side of my throat. Hissing like an animal as he rutted against me, not stopping his thrusting until he became oversensitive.   
I groaned when they pulled out, stars of exhaustion flickering like lights in front of my eyes as they helped me off the bed. Carried me to the bathroom and I closed my eyes as they placed me in the shower, helped me to clean off the traces of cum, washed me carefully and dried me up before I shooed them out to be able to pee in peace. Both had put on underwear again as I came back to the bed, staggering on weak knees and just let them manhandle me as they laid me down carefully on the bed again, pulling a cover over me, even though they both knew that I shuddered for a whole other reason than being cold. Chris held onto my right side, hand interlaced with my right over my stomach while Felix nuzzled comfortably against my right, our legs tangled as I placed a small kiss on the crown of his head. Sighing happily as we all drifted off to sleep. 


	9. Now and forever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for joining me on this adventure. Please do comment what you thought about it. I love to read them ♥

I was woken up by the sun hitting my face the next morning since no one bothered to pull down the blinds last night. Alone in the bed, still naked and a bit bruised up. Warm from deep comfortable sleep. Rolled out of bed and stretched with my arms high over my head before finding a matching pair of oversized clothes, Felix’s old ones, and staggered to the bathroom to wash my face and put my hair up in a bun before going into the kitchen.  
“Good morning” Chris said and took a sip of his coffee while locking his phone and placed it aside.   
Felix sat on the other side of our small square shaped table, wearing clothes that I recognized as “mine” Clothes that I’d taken from him a few months back and I gave him a small smile when he met my eyes as well, traces of berry tea in the cup in front of him and I gulped hard while pouring a cup of coffee to myself as well. A bit scared that this was it.   
The inevitable.  
The final countdown.  
“We’ve… talked” Chris started and fiddled with the edge of his sleeve while I brought the cup to my lips and enjoyed the feeling of warm beverage spreading in my empty stomach, “Needless to say, yesterday was a one-time thing” He continued and I nodded a bit solemnly and searched for Felix eyes but he still avoided me. Kept his gaze locked on the porcelain cup on the table while tracing the lines of age along the edge of it.  
“You… uh… you need to make a choice, babe” Chris continued, and I snorted out a small laugh, like I couldn't believe what he was saying,  
“What? Based on performance?” I asked and Felix cleared his throat, sat up more properly, laced his fingers together and rested them on the table while looking up to meet my gaze.  
“I’m in love with you”  
It felt like I’d gotten punched, the unsure smile that had been playing on my lips disappeared and he only gave me a small sad smile, jaw clenched up while he watched how my face fell when the air was knocked out of me, “Wha- what?” I asked and tried to stabilise my breathing, and the way that my heart thumped so hard in my chest that I thought the two of them could hear it.  
“I’m in love with you” He repeated and shrugged, like the fact of the statement was the most obvious thing in the world, “I’ve been for some time now, for years really, even though I didn’t understand what it meant until just a few months ago” He sighed heavy and looked away, pondered for a few moments on how he should phrase himself, “I think it was somewhere between the times you sat up with me all night as I worked on the choreography that earned me the scholarship. When you made sure that I stayed hydrated and then helped bandage my feet afterwards. When you held me while I cried in pain. When you cooked for me the following days because I put every last drop of energy into dancing. Supported and cheered me on and I think I realized that I wanted it to last forever. I wanted more. More of your body against mine, more of your smile welcoming me at my door, more of the butterflies that I got in my stomach every time you reached out because you wanted my touch” He blushed slightly, squirmed a bit when he made eye contact with me again, but held his ground and didn’t let it waver, “I wanted every day to be like that again. With you at a home of our own. But I wanted more than just living with you. So, so much more, that spending time with you almost became as painful as spending time away from you. I was… selfish. I wanted it all. Wanted more than just a small hug, or a moment of handholding, or to cuddle you while watching a movie. I wanted everything that Chris had. For you to press your lips against me. For you to get lost in pleasure while _I_ was the one rocking your body” He paused, on the way of just ranting everything he’d kept inside of him, but I just let him. Gulped hard and felt my fingers twitching, wanting desperately to reach out and hold him, “I was so angry- at everything that he just let go to waste because I thought that he couldn’t see you for who you are. That he couldn’t love you hard enough. I thought I was going to go crazy from all the moments that happened this summer… Like that time when we had that BBQ party and you showed up in that tiny dress that made all the hyung’s blush, winking at me from across the yard while Chris held his hand around your waist” He gulped again, a bit breathless and I winced, “And the way you looked in that bathing suit when we went swimming at the lake just a week later” He wet his lips nervously, “God, the way you’ve made me feel. I don’t even want you to know half of the things I’ve wanted to do. Things I’ve wanted to do since-” He stopped himself and I chewed on the inside of my lip, took a deep breath, went against the voice in my head that told me not to and placed my hand on his.   
Swallowed hard when he immediately laced our fingers together and gave me a small squeeze. A small hopeful smile on his lips while Chris shifted at my left. Felix sighed again,   
“And then we went camping last month and you told me with a sad smile that Chris had to stay at home. I really thought that I would make a move on you and just tell you how I felt as we stood at that small stony beach, all alone, while throwing flat rocks so they skipped on the water surface, but changed my way just as you talked about how bad you felt over the fact that Chris couldn’t join. It certainly send mixed reactions to my brain when you pressed up against me a few hours later that cold night, begging me to share my sleeping bag with you and I just… couldn’t do anything else but just oblige because the moon was making your hair shine and eyes glitter and I felt my heart ache and cock ache harder because you kept pressing up you bum against me” My heart skipped and a blush spread over my cheeks when I remember the gut wrenching feeling he spoke off. How I knew exactly what happened as well but didn’t want to make a big deal out of it back then because I was just a girl who pressed my body against his.   
“I thought I would confess to you there-”  
“But Chris called to bid me goodnight” I continued, and Felix nodded as I sighed. Rubbed my eyes tiredly and wet my lips before speaking up again, “I’ve always needed you. Always felt a happy obligation to take care of you. To make time and space in my schedule for you, not because I had to but because I wanted to. Because I had to see you. It’s always been like that… but I think that-” I rolled my eyes and felt how my cheeks flushed,” Dear god, I’m so stupid” I mumbled, “It has never been so deep… and I’ve never, ever felt jealous- but then you met that girl two weeks ago and I-” I paused, exhaled sharply and shook my head, like I wanted to remove the hurtful memories of him being with someone else.  
Felix cursed under his breath. Combed his fingers through his hair and leaned back against the backrest of the chair, a look on his face that told exactly how much he felt that he’d fucked up,  
“I’d never- I’d never continue meeting her if I knew how you felt” He looked up at me with deep regret and I felt guilt slashing at my heart,  
“Sorry. You didn’t know- I didn’t know- I should’ve never taken it up, fuck… I- sorry- I just-” I closed my eyes and let my head roll back while rubbing my face. Trying and failing to collect my thoughts, “These past weeks have been so, so intense. But I’ve never regretted it. Never wanted to take away a moment I spend with you. I- I can admit that maybe, because of the way my emotions have been rolling up and down like a rollercoaster… maybe... or well... I _know_ that there’s more” Chris shifted again, and I knew that he was looking at me, but I still refused to meet his eyes, “I… I’ve always loved you. You know that. It might just be that I- I don’t know- I don’t know how I feel…” I turned to Chris then and he gave me a small smile, because he already knew,  
“And honestly… I don’t know what I feel for you as well. There has just been so much fighting lately. So much jealousy, so many hurtful and unnecessary words said in anger. I want you both. I need you both in my life” I sighed and felt how my heart was aching as I looked down, fiddled with my nails as I spoke, “I- I know that I should do the right thing. To go with what everyone around us expects of me. To stay with Chris. To grow old together. Because there’s a smaller age difference between us. Because we’re a couple already. But then I look at you, Felix, and a dark and overpowering part of me is saying that you can’t be with anyone else. That you’re mine. That you’ve always been and just like that… I can’t choose- I can’t just pick one and regret that decision later on”  
Silence fell upon us and I swallowed hard, not knowing if I should say anything else or if it was too late,  
“I will go tomorrow” Felix said finally and gave me another small smile when I looked up. Surprised with the gentle tone in his voice, “Everything has been set up for me over there… and I will give you a week” He continued and I felt my stomach jolt, “Come to me, stay with Chris or choose neither, it’s in your hands now. We can’t prove how much we love you. No more words can. But we can’t live like this. You have to make a decision”  
I looked between them. Knew the truth in his words but a naive part of me still wanted to believe that our story could end happily. I mean… What wouldn’t I give for life to be like this? With Chris on my left. His fuzzy beach blonde hair in a mess, eyes still tired from sleep and fingertips tapping on the wooden table- restless, bouncy. But everything I needed to have a successful, locked and loaded future. Someone to build a family with. Someone with a heart of gold, someone that had treated me right for five years and would probably continue to do so for as long as I’d let him. Trustworthy, and with the economic security that I felt I needed if I didn’t want to find a new job or go back to school.  
Felix on my right. The weak morning sun outside almost gave him a halo of soft purple hue and I felt my heart clench when I watched him. His hand in mine. His heart within mine. Half of his soul edged into mine with tiny hooks that never wanted to let go. I wouldn’t be me if it weren’t for him. Wouldn’t be complete…   
Or would I?   
I’d never known anything else. He was what I craved, like a drug. What would it be like if I stopped giving my body that supply? I know that I’d be able to go on. It would be tough, like any detox, but I’d survive. The thing was just… I didn’t want to. I wanted him, needed him. Like oxygen, and water and it was cliché and stupid and I cursed myself but fuck… I couldn’t see my life, my days, without him. Even though he was anything else than what I, the logical part of me, needed. No real job, on his way to pursue a dream that might just as well get overrun if he doesn’t work hard enough… and so, so young that I feared that we’d never even have a chance because our way of thinking, on life and what to do, was so different.   
I wished, in a perfect dream, that I could live just like this. In harmony, with both of them. Without the need to choose. Without the pain, the heartbreak, the anxiety. Without the heavy feeling, the fact that whoever I’d choose, in the end, I’ll regret it forever.   
That this would be it, with one on each arm. With the fact that I could love them both. That I could have them both.   
-  
“Promise that you will write to me, and call me and video chat with me every chance you get” I said with a shaky voice, the words almost got drowned out by the buzz of people and a lady’s voice on the speaker, announcing the departure for Felix’s flight and urged all passengers to come to the gate,  
“I promise, even though it will be hours between us and you’ll most likely be asleep when I call”  
“I don’t care” I whispered and felt how tears were already streaming down my cheeks when he closed his arms closer around me. Buried my nose in the crook of his neck, inhaled deeply and he only squirmed slightly to the ticklish feeling.   
“I love you so much, don’t forget that” He said softly and swallowed, and I choked on my tears,  
“I love you too” I croaked out and he separated us slightly, just enough to look at me and smiled through the tears of his own while he wiped away mine,  
“Give me a smile, love, I don’t want that sulking, sad face to be the last one I see before I go”   
“How do you expect me to smile when you’re going away. My heart is getting ripped in two” I sobbed, and he glanced behind me, only for a moment, and I looked back just in time for Chris to turn around and Felix to place his hand on my cheek.   
Barely gave me time to react before he pressed his lips on mine. Completely taking my breath away in the process. It was sweet, and he embraced me even tighter, pressing me closer with the hand on my cheek and I melted to putty in his arms. There were several surprised gasps behind me, and I knew that I, and Chris, would have some explaining to do to all of our friends that were with us to say Goodbye as well. As soon as it happened, it was over, and I sighed deeply when I opened my eyes to meet his again. A small smile tugging on my lips and he flicked his thumb underneath my chin in an endearing way with a small smile of his own, “There we go, keep that smile until I come back now, ok? I don’t want you to mourn the time we don’t have-”  
“And I don’t want you to forget about me” I answered, and he held out his pinkie,  
“And I want you to remember that I’m yours-”  
“I’m yours” We finished the last words together before touching thumbs to seal the promise.  
-  
One day passed and I couldn’t let go of my phone, anxiously waiting for the message that would assure me that he’d arrived safely. It plopped down in my inbox just before midnight with a photo of his one-bedroom apartment, ‘ **I’m here. Tired as hell and ready to work. Already miss you so much I find it hard to breathe when I remember that I can’t just reach out and find you there’**.  
I had to let the message rest for a couple of minutes. Breathed hard through my nose to calm my racing heart and Chris looked at me with a worried glance from across the living room, where he sat at the edge of the sofa. He’d been reserved all day; gave me space and I was thankful. I honestly don’t think that I’d be able to deal with his touch at the moment. Messaged back something incoherent about us **'Being able to get through this'** But was unsure if he’d believe the words any more than I did. I went to bed but couldn’t properly sleep. Drifted in and out of consciousness the whole night while reaching out for a body that I knew wasn’t there.   
-  
Two days passed and Chris rocked me silently. Hushed out a whisper that I’ll be ok, that it would only be a few months, but it hurt. Everything hurt. My body, my soul. Like a part of me had actually been ripped away and I was told that I’d be able to survive when I could clearly feel the gaping hole in my heart that pulsated with pain with every beat. The day passed in a frenzy and I begged of Chris to take the pain away. To make me forget about my best friend, if only for a moment.   
-  
Sex was a way to cope. It wasn’t the best. I knew that. I just wanted the pain to go away and Chris seemed to understand that I wasn’t getting better when another three days passed, and I began to undress him the moment he walked through the door. Not even saying hello before eager hands unbuttoned his pants and he stopped my movements with his fingers around my wrists.  
“Babe, I can’t live like this anymore” He said and sighed heavy.   
“What?” I asked, confused as to why he suddenly questioned my high libido when he’d never protested before and he let go of my hands to button himself up again, hung his jacket and motioned for me to join him in the living room.  
“I will most likely regret this forever but…“ He sighed while sitting us down on the sofa and interlaced our fingers, “You haven’t really chosen yet. You’re just… procrastinating your own emotions and even though it was nice at first- I can’t take being a tool or a coping mechanism for you, and for the way you feel”   
“I- I thought you didn’t mind the sex” I said, a bit embarrassed and he wet his lips, almost nervously,  
“I don’t mind the sex. I just- mind the way… the way my girlfriend don’t even look me in the eye before she jumps me anymore. I want you to be with me because you want to have me close, not because-”  
“Because it takes my mind off things” I whispered back and felt how guilt swallowed me up.  
It was never my intention to use him, but I had to admit that I did do so out of selfish reasons more so than to give him pleasure as well.  
“I want you to choose me. I don’t think that I can stress that enough. But I can’t live with you if we continue down the path we walk right now. I can’t live like a coping mechanism for you to be able to survive. I can’t-” He paused and squeezed my hands and I half expected him to burst into tears, but he just took a deep breath and gave me a smile. A sad one, one that had accepted the inevitable, “You need to be with him, babe. I- I was wrong when I said that you’d be fine. You won’t. You need him, just as much as he needs you-”  
“No, I-” I protested but he only shook his head,  
“I know that I lost you, the very moment I watched your eyes change after the two of you kissed three weeks ago. I’ve tried so hard, twisted and turned the truth so hard it became a false reassure that I could lean on. I said it to you, weeks ago, that you’re soulmates-” He shrugged and I felt tears wet my cheeks to the hopelessness that shadowed his face, “You are two side of the same coin and I can see how much it hurts you to be without him. I want you to be happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. I just thought that I could be the one that could give you that”  
“You have given me that” I sobbed out and he nodded, tears in his eyes now as well,  
“It’s been a good few years, but it’s ok. I love you enough to know. Enough to let you go”  
-  
My heart was beating hard and butterflies threatened to clog my throat when I knocked on the wooden door. A suitcase neatly packed with enough clothes to rest me a week swung over my shoulder and I was shuddering, even though the wind that blew through my light clothes were warm.   
“What?” A sleepy figure opened the door and I had to clench my jaw to not scream out with happiness.  
“Surprise” I said instead, and the figure took another step forward, blinked a few times like he wanted to be sure of what he was seeing.   
The freckles on his face were already lighter from the soft tan over his cheeks. Hair ruffled, the lilac colour had faded, and it was a bit greasy, like he’d swum through saltwater just before going to bed. A pair of shorts hung low on his hips and the lack of shirt left me breathless, but I held my ground, nervous for the fact that the seventh day had already passed, if only barely.  
“Noona?” The raspy voice of his asked and I nodded.  
“I- I-” I started but couldn’t finish because he immediately closed his arms around me, almost lifted me off the ground when he hugged me close and my mind went blank because I was in his arms again, _I was home again_ , even though my heart still ached with sorrow for what could have been, for the memories of a love with a man that had been doomed from the start. For all the problems that awaited me at home.  
I was here now, and Felix lips were as soft as they’d ever been against mine when he closed the distance between us. It consumed me. The way that he felt against me, the way he smelled, the way he tasted. He immediately pulled me inside the apartment, not breaking the kiss in the process while leading me almost blindly. The back of my knees hit the edge of a sofa and I yelped out from surprise when I fell back. He joined me before I had time to blink, and I sobbed out against his lips when his breath hitched as my fingers combed through his hair.   
“I love you. I love you so much” He whispered against my lips and it felt like my heart was going to explode when he raised himself up a few centimetres and I met his eyes.   
“I love you too” I said back and the words, spoken with the intention I had for the first time. An intention that I had chosen him- one that promised him that this was only just the beginning, made him smile brightly before he leaned down again. Unable to stop himself from claiming months of lost kisses.  
This is what I wanted, _what my heart wanted_ , a life with the one that had always been there. With the person that began just before I ended. Because he was me and I was him.   
Now and forever.

**Author's Note:**

> Much love ♥


End file.
